Getting Things Off My Chest

Nothing new to report except a nice 5 pound weight gain we call bacon and cake, and a lack of running.  Last week, I was having some pain on the side where the nodes came out.  After talking to the plastic surgeon, she thinks it is scar tissue.  What it feels like is a rock bouncing on my chest with every step I take. So, I walked instead. She suggested I massage it to break up the tissue, my response, why? That tissues days are numbered.

I cannot lie, there were a few moments over the weekend of "what am I doing?!"  What do I need to clean, how prepared are we? The kids are going here and here on this day and that. What do we need from the grocery store, do I need to scrub the grout in the tub? 

I have worries.  But, I know and accept my worries are stupid ones to take my mind off of surgery. A nice "displaced" worry type thing.  I met with my "breast" friends last week who kindly passed on the "Cancer" bag to me.  So lots of fun post surgery items to help with drains, boobs, clothing.  I am thankful for my "Breastfast Club."

Last night, I sat both kids down. Them and me, and we looked at pictures of the drains I will have.  Drains are NOT pretty.  We found images of scars like I will have, what I will be wearing when I come home and such.  I am trying to prepare them for what they will be seeing.  I hope it is not scaring the hell out of them; I know it scares me a little as an adult.  For me the scary is the unknown. Will it hurt as much as I anticipate? Will it be easier? Do I have as much ready as I think?

This preparation reminds me of packing for vacation.  Where you will forget something and you will pack things that never get used.  I keep reminding myself now, like with vacation, there is a Kroger and Target close.  We do not live in Timbuktu, so it's not like someone cannot run out and get more lunchmeat or refill the pain meds.

This might be the last post before surgery Friday.  That morning, I will be attending Mass where Calista with get her Guardian Angel medal.  This is a big right of passage for a first grader.  Connor, will wear his, and I still have mine.  I think it is pretty fitting to attend a Mass honoring your Guardian Angel right before this surgery.  The bad part, I will not be able to partake in the punch and cookies after.  Stupid no eating or drinking before surgery rule!!!!

I have had the final appointments with the plastic surgeon and the breast surgeon.  Here are the details as I recall them.

Surgery will last about 4 hours.  The first 2 hours, the breast surgeon will make an incision at the 9 o'clock position (on righty) of my nipple/ areola (or 3 o'clock on lefty), then cut all the way down the breast at the 6 o'clock position.  She will then remove/scrape every single bit breast tissue (and cancer in there).  We then hope that Kim has GREAT vasculature and blood flow to her breast skin and nipple area.  Blood flow is the KEY to being able to save my nips from going necrotic (dead and needing removal).  Necrotic tissue is BAD, pink happy tissue is GOOD. We want pink, happy tissue!!!!

Once Dr. Miller (shout out to Breast Surgeon) is done, then Dr. Tiwari is in (shout out to Plastics!!!).  It's like a tag team match, but hopefully with less wrestling as we are in an operating room.  Geeze. 

Anyway, back to my WWE  Double Mastectomy, Royal Rumble. -- kidding-- 

So, Dr. T comes in (not Mr. T, Dr. T does NOT have a Mohawk and chains, but it would be cool if he did). He will now look at "what he has to work with."  We shall now think of him as Michelangelo, while my Boobs are not David, they still need to be sculpted.  Here is what may happen over the next two hours....

Option 1:
Skin and blood flow look good! Let's cut into Kim's pectoral muscle, remove it from the chest wall, use a little extra tissue from a pig or cadaver (or other source) to create a "hammock."  Then he can immediately slide in an implant that is about the same weight/size as the breast tissue that was removed.  Close up. Done.

Option 1 is the ideal situation if everything goes smooth as silk.

Option 2:
Skin and blood flow look good or maybe just ok or maybe not good.  Then he cuts my pectoral and things may look good or weird again.  He decides I am NOT a good candidate for direct to implant.  In goes, Tissue Expanders! These things are silicone do-hickeys, that go under the muscle that act like little balloons.  Over time (weekly), I would go in for fills.  Little by little the balloon will fill and expand the skin and muscle area.  Over time we obtain the "size" we want.  Then I will have a second surgery (months down the road), to exchange the tissue expanders for my permanent implants (permanent as 10 years, then they need replaced, these new damn boobs come with a ton of maintenance). 

Option 2, the process just takes longer.  Pros- the spot where the fills occur is magnetic.  Therefore my temporary boobs are magnetic.  This leads to cool, yet maybe inappropriate, party tricks with magnetic boobs.  Cons- apparently tissue expanders are a giant pain in the ass, and filling can be "uncomfortable." Blah.

So, basically, I will wake up and find out what happened.  You know a planner like me LOVES dealing with the unknown.  Ugh.

Now, the REALLY unknown. Chemo.  Honestly, that shit scares me, not because of what it does or how it works.  But, the fact that, going through chemo, my kids will really see me "sick." So far, we know Mommy has a sick boobie, but it's no big deal.  Chemo, feeling under the weather and being bald, would really make this "real."  Again, right now my asshat cancer is cute, Chemo would make it a real pain in the ass, aka PITA (PITA- pronounced PIT-tah, not pita; I'm not having hummus with my cancer).

If chemo is in the cards, so be it.  I have my hair the longest it has been and I'm keeping it that way, so I can cut it off short to donate.  I have always wanted to try a pixie cut, and if Chemo is in the cards, I'm trying it!  We will not know about that until the genetics/path of the tumor comes back. As well as finding out how invasive it actually is.  So, some poor Pathologist has to pour over every single cell in  my boobs to see if the cancer cells are very profuse.  Then it needs to be determined if my type of cancer even responds to chemo, and if so WHICH chemo.

I can't lie, I'd like to avoid Chemo.

After all the surgery, I will be a guest at the Hilton on the Hill (aka Christ) for 1 night.  I am guessing this is using the old insurance trick of if you are only there for 23 hours it's "observation" but if it's 24 hours it being "admitted."  I still need to pack a bag for this adventure. Certainly, not as exciting as packing a bag and bringing home a new baby. 

I guess that is it.  I report at 10:30ish Friday, then surgery starts around 12:30.  Jeff will have my phone and I bet he will update.  I'll let him hack into my Facebook to post updates.  Hopefully that will give him something to do while I'm back in the OR turning from Kim Boobs into Dolly Parton Boobs.  Maybe I'll even come out with a better twang and more "hey y'all" speak.

For now, I think that about covers the boobs.

In really sad news - this I will have a separate post eventually.  We lost our beloved Higgins early Tuesday Morning. At some point Monday evening, his stomach flipped and twisted in his body.  Due to his advanced age and other medical issues, we determined it was best that we get him out of pain.  He has now joined our other Dobie, Magnum, at the Rainbow Bridge.  When I got in the car, to drive back home at 2am.  This popped on the radio. 

In my world, that is Higgins sending me a very clear message that made the right choice for him.  But, it still sucks. I really miss our Doonie.