Oink Oink

A little over two years ago, my crazy neighbor and I had this great idea to try to run a half marathon.  I am pretty sure she was high or drunk when this suggestion was made.  By, high, I mean a runners high, by drunk, drunk on life.

We were two ladies, that started our journey by walking our geriatric dogs.  One mile turned into two, then we would walk a mile with the dogs, then run one with the two of us.  Next thing I know, we are running 6 miles on the weekends, and doing a little walk with the dogs at night.  It was our release, our therapy.  

Then 6 months into our journey, Chellee brought up doing the Pig Half Marathon.  I honestly laughed and thought she was nuts.  Certifiable.  But, I thought, Why Not?  We signed up, and pledged to walk, run or crawl to get through it.  

We did it.  We were not the fastest, or the slowest, just two ladies enjoying a nice 13.1 mile jaunt through the city.  We loved it.

Next she brings up, "Let's try the three way next year!"  Again, I figure she's drunk.  I am pretty sure I said, "Chellee, you are drunk. Why the hell do we want to run a 10K and 5K in one day, then a 1/2 marathon the next?  Only crazy people do that."

Then a friend from grade school posted pictures of her running the 4 way (go Emily!).  

The challenge was accepted.  Chellee and I signed up at her house one late October night, then celebrated with an adult beverage.

Chellee and I are a good match.  We trained together.  Even when my Mom was sick, Chellee still got me out there mile after mile.  We did a few "test" runs of doing a 10K, taking a 30 minute break, then running a 5K.  We were ready.  

Not only did we do the 3way challenge, we knocked off some serious time from our previous 1/2 marathon time.  All summer we talked about signing back up to do it again.  I was pumped!

Enter in Breast Cancer. Double Mastectomy. Port. Chemo. Blah

The best time to sign up for the Three Way or the 1/2 is in October.  Every doctor I asked in October, said running a 1/2 marathon was a bad idea, and running the 3 way challenge was simply not an option. Chellee signed up, and I told her I'd come cheer along.

Damn.  

Sometime in November, I read an article about a lady with metastatic Breast Cancer running, and running marathons during treatment.  Here I was, barely walking a mile without my foobs killing me.

Once my foobs were cleared, I made small running goals.  In December, I asked for clearance to run a 5K.  Both my Plastic Surgeon and Oncologist called me crazy, and cleared me.  My instruction - just be smart. I ran/walked the Frozen 5K in January.  The course was nice and flat.  For me, it was by far the most difficult race I have ever participated in.  My legs were so heavy, I was heavy, and loaded with chemo.  But, with Jeff and the kids by my side, we finished.  I just wanted to finish.

From all the doctors, I knew I would not be able to participate in Pig.  I decided to sign Jeff and I up for the Beer Series.  Three races, the first a 5K in March, a 1 mile race on Pig weekend, and a 14K in September.  I figured by September, I should be able to do a 14K.

In March, we ran Bockfest and The Heavenly Hog 5K.  My chemo was over and my herception only started.  My body started to recover and my legs started to feel better.  Still lots of run/walk outings.  Which is fine for me; it's my thing.  

I kept running in March and April.  Last Tuesday, Chellee and I were able to go out for a run.  It was a good run.  We talk about Pig and how mad I was I could not participate.  She talked how the race would be different without me huffing on her right side, and how we would miss our yearly selfie with the Elvis in front of Krohn Conservatory.  

Once home, I shared my frustration with Jeff. His words, call the docs tomorrow and see what they think.  Remember this is the guy who runs 1/2 marathons without training.  He's all about mind over miles.  His words, if I was mentally ready to do it, my legs already know how.

Wednesday, I made the calls. I explained what I wanted to do.  I want to do the 1/2 marathon, I promised to run, and walk and stay hydrated.  Each physician office had the same initial response, "You are crazy!!" Then:

Surgical Oncologist- 
Cleared -- just make sure to take walking breaks and stay hydrated

Foob Doc- 
Cleared -- my foobs will not fly off my chest renaming the race "The Flying Foob Marathon."   

Oncologist-
Cleared-- just take walking breaks and stay hydrated

Cleared. How about them apples!

To check that I would be physically ready, Chellee and I did a nice 9 miles walk/jog Sunday.  Our average time was 13 minute miles -- not very fast.  Very comparable to the first year we did Pig. My legs felt good, I felt good, my port felt good.  My toes--HURT.  So, I'll be bringing band-aids.

Sunday night, I signed up. 

I'm doing the 1/2 Marathon every Physician said was impossible in October 2015. I know it will not be my best time, I know I am not my most fit ever.  But, this is a mental challenge.  It's another way for me to tell Breast Cancer to piss-off and get out of my life. 

You Are Done, Right?

No. No, I am not.

I have now had 2 herceptin only treatments.  Every 3 weeks until October, I will have them.  All a long I thought it was 12 herceptin treatments.  Nope, it is 12 MONTHS of herceptin treatments.  A big difference.

The herceptin infusion seems easier.  My personal side effects are just fatigue and general crabbiness that lasts a day or so.  Much easier than the 5 to 7 days of recovery after a chemo treatment.  Also, I have started my tamoxifen pill.  This pill is what will block my estrogen, since my cancer likes to grow and live in estrogen rich environments.  I will be on it 10 years. I am also in the major throws of medical induced menopause.  I certainly did not see that coming at age 41.

I cannot lie, the tamoxifen scares me.  The reason is totally 100% vain and obnoxious; it is weight gain.  While my physician assures me there is no well controlled study that concludes tamoxifen leads to mid-section weight gain, it happens.  This really pisses me off. I don't want to gain any more weight. I'm working hard at losing all the weight I have gained with chemo.  In 6 weeks, I've lost weight and inches.  So, I am on the right track.  Now, I have to take this damn pill. Hrre is how it works:

Then comes that little voice in my head.  "Kim, you have a cancer that is treatable.  You are not terminal.  Be thankful for that.  Who cares about a little weight?"

I get it; in the grand scheme of cancer crap, I seem to be treatable. I am beyond thankful for that.

But, it doesn't change that I had a real break down last weekend, because I do NOT want to gain anymore weight. I want to go back to normal for me. I want to go back to running, fit in my clothing again, have my sense of self back.  Apparently, I am a lot more vain than I thought.  Not vain as much as, the added weight makes it harder to run; my want to run is waning because it is harder with the weight.

As I go down the rabbit hole of self pitty, there is a glimmer of pre-cancer Kim.  I saw her on Saturday at yoga.  I looked over my shoulder and saw me in a high lunge.  Near perfect alignment, strong legs, flexible.  And I was happy with me and what I have accomplished.  I know I can get back, my fitness level I have let slip.  Knowing I have to take a pill that may possibly add weight to erase that work, infuriates me off.

Here are a few other topics to update....

Foobs.
My foobs and I have been having issues. Good stuff like a little more sensation, and control.  However, bizarre things like, I went to open a door and my entire right side of my foob flexed.  I felt like a body builder flexing her pec, but I was just trying to open a door.  I still have enough room for the third foob.  I cannot wait for that to eventually be fixed.  Wearing bras is something I am trying to work with.  Every bra strap hits Lucifer (the port) on a bad spot.  If I wear a sports bra that is too constricting, the foobs and Lucy hurt.  I need to find something, but do not want to spend too much, as I will need new stuff in October anyway.  LOL!  I am in foob purgatory.

Chemo brain.
It is real and it sucks.  I simply cannot recall so many things.  I hear it gets better, but if I see you or talk to you and forget it, I'm already sorry.  I try to keep a list of things, then I forget where I put the friggin list.  Then I begin another list, and lose it.  See my issue?!

Focus.
I have a MAJOR lack of focus, that is a side effect of chemo brain.  I will step away from my work desk to go get coffee.  On the way to the kitchen, I will realize I need something from upstairs, then I come back downstairs.  I pass the bathroom and decide to go, then realize I need to switch laundry, go do that, realize I need to change the hand towels in the bathroom, go do that.  Decide to wipe down the bath counter top, enter kitchen for Clorox wipes, see the dishwasher is full.  Empty dishwasher.  Then wipe down kitchen counter, remember I wanted to wipe down the bath counter top.  Then sit back at my desk.  Go to get a sip of coffee, and my cup is empty. This is my problem.

Hand Issues,
As a side effect of the chemo, I am having hand issues.  Swelling, lack of sensation, strength, etc.  I have burned my fingers a lot recently and my fine motor skills have been off.  I cannot lie, I thought I was experiencing a weird neurologic thing. Nope, side effect.  It may last about 6 months or more. If you see me without my wedding rings on, I assure you Jeff and I are still swimming on our wedded bliss.  It's just my fingers are swollen.

Hair.
It's growing!!! I decided to use some of CC's hair chalks on Easter for a little fun.This is 6 weeks after my last chemo treatment.

I think that catches me up on my stuff.  I have been hesitant on writing the last few weeks due just because I was feeling whiny.  I hate to post "woe is me" posts. I know people have things a ton worse than I do.  There are people sicker than I and who the hell am I to complain about weight and swollen hands.  I acknowledge my issues are a drop in the bucket, however I have been reminded to validate that my issues are real and do affect me.  Even if a swollen hand will not kill me, it's still a pain in the ass when you cannot button you son's pants for school.

Chemo #2 a ReCap of Fun

**Note, I initially wrote this in a chemo fog, re-read it, then basically rewrote the entire thing. WOW, writing in a chemo fog is NOT a good idea!!!

Well, that was a friggin mess. Chemo is a big, giant pain in my ass.  I am 1/3 of the way through, only 4 more left. Before 2016, I will have 4 rounds done.  So, yes, that means I will have two rounds in December.  I'm betting I will not be on Santa's good list.  But, if he has a crabby from chemo list, I'll be at the top.

The day of chemo, I decided it would be all cool and Rocky like if I went on a 4 mile run.  A great F-U to cancer and chemo, I'm going to run 4 miles.  Miles 1 and 2, were fast, I felt great.  I felt "normal."  Around mile 3 I knew I had a problem, and I was still about a mile from home.  By 3.3 miles, I had a massive problem, and I was NOT near home.  My body was trying to betray me and my stool softeners decided it was a great time to start working.    The mind- body connection, the brain versus anal sphincter connection---- it's bad.  Things did not end well.  I did not finish my 4 miles, and there is nothing like having internal dialog debating if anyone will see if you poop in the woods. 

Needless to say, I did make it to chemo (with clean pants- thanks).  Nothing exciting about chemo.  I sat in a chair while poison went in my body.  My fellow survivor, Heather, came to visit me.  The infusion center is a weird place.  Nurses try to be very light hearted and liven up the place a bit.  But, it is a sad place.  You can try to pump in as much joy and fun as you want, but it still feels sterile and kind of depressing.  Chairs line the walls, filled with people hooked up to infusion pumps.  Some have visitors that sit and read or talk.  All of us are just waiting to hear the beeping sound of the bag being empty to signal the nurse to hook up the next bag of poison.  I just want it to be over, so I can then worry about when will the fog hit me. How will the next few days feel, etc.  By the end of the evening,  I crashed.

Me sporting my plastic wrap over my EMLA cream to numb my port.

Chemo #2

 Day 1 post chemo seemed ok, then I received my booster shot.  That shot ended up being one of my biggest pain in the bones ever.  A side effect of the booster is bone pain, because it's job is to stimulate white blood cell growth.  How does it do it, via the bone marrow!  Welcome to science!!  Boy, did I have bone pain.  It woke me up from a dead sleep.  I now have a new appreciation for what our children feel with growing pains.   The doctors suggested Tylenol for the pain.  They might as well have suggested a nice glass of water.  Thanks.

My cranium

My sweet Grad School Roomie, Jen, sent me some new lipsticks. As Connor says this is how people will know I am a girl.

CC and I in our matching skull caps (thanks Jess)

The weekend was weird Day 2 and 3, I felt oddly good.  Really good.  We took the kids to the Festival of Lights, and enjoyed an evening out.  It was nice to be out in the fresh air. 

Then came day 4.  Day 4 is just evil. I did not want to do anything, my bones ached, my head was heavy, and I just felt off kilter.  The kids did not have school and thank God they were fine with playing electronics and watching TV.  Jeff had to come pick me up for a fun visit to see Dr. Chin and check on the Foobs.  The Foobs are doing great, and I have a follow-up in 6 weeks.  Oh, and yes, I got yelled at for doing too much.

Day 5. On day 5, a friend took the kids out (thanks Connie) for a few hours.  I was able to go grocery shopping and nap.  I must have looked how I felt at the grocery store.  I could feel people giving me the "oh that lady looks sick" look.  Well, breast cancer people even need a Thanksgiving turkey!!  My mother confirmed it when I went to visit her, she took one look at me and exclaimed, "You look awful."  Only my Mom can get away with that.

Day 6.  I was brave.  Calista talked me into wearing a wig.  So, I did. We went to lunch with family, and I swear I felt like that wig was moving all over my head.  It felt so odd, and hot. Wigs are HOT and not really comfortable.  I can see I will wear one when Calista asks me, but it really felt self-conscience in it. After lunch, I decided to hit up Starbucks and the grocery (because I forgot things the day before).  I was brave because I did each of those trips without a wig or a hat.  Me and my pretty bald head did it.  I don't know if people stared or even if they cared. I did not care, my head was hot.   When I got back in my car, I was proud of me.  I did not really give it a second thought, until I was ordering my drink, and realized I was bald.  I just continued on like any other day. 

Anita the wig and I (named after my Great Aunt Nita)

Day 7 was Thanksgiving.  Simply put, I did too much and was up too late. 

Took Jeff on a 2 mile run. I felt good, but, probably was not my best idea....

Sporting our Thanksgiving hats

All Smiles

So, that explains....

Day 8, blood work check!  Well, my white blood cells were good, but I felt like crap.  The nurses decided I needed fluids, so, 1 and a 1/2 bags of fluid and 2 hours later, I felt a bit better.

Fluid fun!

We rounded out the weekend with several family celebrations for Christmas which were a bunch of fun.  But, since I feel like a decrepit 120 year old, I was EXHAUSTED.  I am still exhausted.  But, I can't sleep. Food sounds bad, because chemo mouth is back. I am tired and whiney.  And I start back to work this week.

What I have really realized is, each round it going to get harder and harder.  Which I knew, but like anything, unless you live through it, you really don't know.  I hate that round 3 is right before Christmas, and that round 4 is right before the New Year.  And here I am complaining about it all. Woe, is Kim.  However, I should thank my lucky stars.  I met a sweet lady who has chemo every 21 days, and goes in the hospital for hers.  She is hooked up for 96 hours of continuous chemo.  She explained she goes in on Monday then leaved around Friday at 5:00pm.  Wow.  That is NUTS.  So, my little 6 hours every 21 days, is cake.  I am just not used to being so tired, so forgetful, and so not myself.  The forgetful, "chemo brain" is scary.  Chemo brain is like taking a glimpse into dementia.  I forget things, cannot come up with words or finish thoughts, it terrifies me.  I know what I am trying to say, but the words and thoughts are just lost in my brain.  I hear this side effect is typically reversible, but that it gets worse before better. 

Basically, today is 13 days post chemo, and I finally feel pretty normal.  This took 3 days longer than my first round.  Let's hope the next round is better.

On the work front, I am beginning back at work.  HR has my leave so messed up, it's imperative I get back to work.  I have 3 weeks and 2 days left of FMLA.  I plan to try intermittent leave, when I get back.  This will allow me to take off chemo days and bad days, and work the rest.  Hopefully this will work.  But, I fear HR will mess this up again.  I would kind of like to receive a paycheck at some point before Christmas.  I pretty well prepared for everything, except the issues with my leave.  That is as big a pain in my ass as chemo! The game plan is to use intermittent leave and see how far that goes.  Once that time is exhausted, my options are use vacation time or go on continuous short term disability.  I figure I will cross that bridge if it comes to that. 

The Up Time

It's a weird feeling to have Up time and Down time.  Where I thought I was doing MUCH better last week, I totally jumped the gun.  I must admit, things were still very foggy, my memory was slow to recall, food was still weird, I was EXHAUSTED and a hint crabby.  I really thought that how I felt Tuesday was my new normal.  Luckily, I was so very wrong....

Wednesday, things seemed ever better.  I was still fighting some mouth issues, this Chemo mouth things is the worst.  How to describe my experience, know when you burn the tip of your tongue and it feels raw for about a day, my tongue has felt raw for 2 weeks.  I have a feeling this may be one of the things that follows me.  My mouth, as a whole, just felt weird, almost like how it feels with a sore throat.  That is the best way I can describe it.  It felt red (it was) and I had a small blister in it.  It just hurt.  The Oncologist's paper work suggested a rinse of baking soda and salt.  So, in my best nod to Pinterest, I mixed up a big batch in a Mason jar and have it by my sink.  And yes, this concoction tastes as lovely as it sounds (ick).  But, it does work, my mouth started feeling better after a couple days. 

Since I did continue my diary of how I was feeling, I can tell you this.  My entry on November 7th was, I FEEL NORMAL!!!! Therefore it took a good 9 days post chemo to get back to my "baseline."  I felt it imperative to take full advantage of my good days. 

I was strong enough to do a Yoga class.  I still skipped downward dogs and planks.  I lie I tried 1 downdog (after this Friday, I am released to do them), and I did a plank, which was fine, BUT I cannot lower to my stomach yet.  Still too much for my new foobs/ pecs.  Here is my thought process on yoga.  Many women post double mastectomy need physical therapy to regain their full range of motion.  For me, yoga IS my physical therapy. The range of motion exercises, the whole body, mind, spirit practice is exactly what my body needs.  I will 100% say, I was able to increase some range of motion, as well as I felt I was able break up stiffness around my implants.  Oddly enough, I felt like they loosened up to seem a lot more normal. Also, I could feel sensations more.  I figured the increased blood flow due to activity has to be good to facilitate the healing of the nerves and other vasculature.  Laymans terms, my Foobs felt more like Boobs - finally.  Yoga must be continued.

On Sunday, we spent the WHOLE DAY OUT as a family.  We did the Zoo, the Aquarium, and Gameworks. It was a long day, but it was much needed for the kids.  I have REALLY focused on spending quality time with them.  Calista seems to be doing better, as does Connor.  I am trying so hard to keep their world normal, but it is impossible.  I found a children's book that deals with the topic of a Mom going through Chemo and Cancer.  The title is Nowhere Hair by Sue Glader.  I would like to say I read it to the kids without crying, but I did tear up.  I just hate that it is affecting the kids and Jeff.  But, really Calista is the one that is having the hardest time.  It breaks my heart.

Now feeling normal, I'm spending my good days cleaning, cooking, preparing for next week when I have chemo and the bottom falls out again.  I have been researching and learned the cocktail I am on most assuredly will make my hair begin to fall out 2 to 4 weeks after my first dose.  Today, is exactly 2 weeks. I just ran my fingers through my hair and 4 strands came out.  I am sitting here pondering... Was it time for these hairs to fall out? Just because? Or are my follicles beginning to give up? You know for the next two weeks, every hair I see I am going to wonder if this is when it all goes.  Honestly, I'm ready for it to go.  I am trying to embrace short hair, but-- it's not me.  As much as I want to keep hair, I'd rather start wearing quirky hats.  Except my head is the size of a pea.  (Aside:  I have long realized the proportions of my head to body ratio are all wrong). I should probably take the time to pick out a real wig and use my cranial prosthesis prescription.  That may be my job today, call insurance see what is covered, then find a wig place.  Blah. 

Today, I will also face the hell that is our short term disability HR people.  The capacity of people to be so inept in their job is staggering.  I learned, yesterday, the folks have had the WRONG phone and fax number for my doctor handling my case.  So, all this paper work they are sending-- where is exactly is it going? All the calls they have made-- who the hell have they been calling.  All along, this mistake has been there.  It's been a real pain in my ass.  My physicians have now been faxing me the info, right after sending it to my disability group.  For some reason I receive the faxes, but the HR department must have a black hole where all the faxes about me reside.  Let's just say today I should be receiving a call from a supervisor.

I did learn I have two options-- well three. 
1. Return to work and use vacation for any off days.
2. Try something called Intermittent Leave.  This will allow me to work on good days (with full pay), then take off the bad days (disability pay).  I spoke with the Medical Records lady at the oncologists office and she stated they could write it up so EVERY DAY would be eligible to be a leave day until the last chemo.
3. Remain on leave through chemo

As my astute Uncle put it, my work ethic is what keeps me from embracing option 3.  I already feel like a giant slackass missing all this work.  My poor co-workers... You have to remember there are 3 people in the USA that do my job. 3.  They have been picking up my slack and encouraging me to just heal and relax.

I fear with option 2, my lovely HR folks will end up messing up my pay.  I have no faith that they would be able to do this properly.  But, I may try it.  I have until December 2nd.  That much time will allow me to see how I respond and recover from chemo #2.

Well, to leave you with a classic Kim funny....Standing outside, without a coat, it was a little chilly.  Know how the wind blows and you shiver... My body shivered, then my foob shivered and scared the heck out of me.... New party trick, shivering foobs.  I am totally going to figure out how to animate these happy hooters....

Chemo Time

*The tense on this post changes, since I wrote some right before chemo and most when I got home**

Just another ordinary day for most.  The doctors have done this before, so have the nurses.  But, this is going to be all new for me.

I have a bag packed, filled of things to keep me amused for the next 5 to 6 hours.  I may even try to blog during all this craziness.  A good friend, Jessica, dropped off a chemo survival kit. 

Breast Cancer Warriors

In my bag is a blanket, a cup, Mad Libs, my iPad, a notebook, coloring book,  tissues, lotion, hand sanitizer, snacks, gum, rosary, pens, water bottle, and my medications. 

Now, ask me what I used....
1. Zebra Blanket-- so cozy
2. Ipad - but my ear buds were busted!!! No sound!!  Luckily, Katie (a Foobie Friend) came to the rescue with a new pair for me!  As well as a pretty blanket (also cozy) and a new pretty water bottle. 
3. Water cup
4. Snacks
5. Lotion
6. Gum

I did wear some special items, my Lokai bracelet (thanks Susan), a new Survivor bracelet (made with handmade clay beads (thanks Nicole), and a new Survivor charm on my necklace engraved with the initials CJ and CC (thanks Holly).  I was prepared.

No lying, I was a hint nervous on the drive.  I hate walking into the unknown.  Luckily, I had my handsome fellow with me.  Jeff's job was carrying in my bag full of stuff.  We were both nervous. All I kept flashing back to was a horrible vomiting scene in the 1991 movie, Dying Young.  That left an impression demonstrating the hell that chemo was in the 90s.  It's 25 years later, so thing have to be better, right?

Right off the bat, I was a BAD patient. I was supposed to pre-dose with a steroid medication.  I forgot. Whoops. OK...

We entered the Chemo Suite, I was in chair 16.  Not the best location, it was on a corner and people kept accidentally knocking into me. Whoops.  The first step is baseline blood work.  I was golden, good platelets, good white blood cells, good hemoglobin! Go me!  Then bag #1 started.

Bag 1 - Pre-drugs.  Mostly stuff to keep me from getting nauseated.  I also, had a pill to take at this point as well.   Bag 1 is the fast bag--- 15 minutes to go in!!!

Bag 2- Taxotere. This was the bag that made people nervous, because no one knew if I would have an allergic reaction.  Luckily I did not. This guy took almost 2 hours.

Bag 3- Carboplatin.  This bag also took over an hour.

Bag 4 - Herceptin.  This bag took one hour and forty minutes.

After Bag 4,  they removed my needles and I was DONE. I made it!  I had a couple visitors come in for little chunks of time.  Jeff, my friend Katie H, and Jayne (Jeff's Mom, who I forgot to get a selfie with) swung by.  It was super nice, but I also had time to pray and watch a little Sons of Anarchy.  A perfect balance. And no one just sat and stared at me.  That is what I did not want, people looking at me, weepy like "woe-is-Kim."  No negative Nellies invited.

I was able to obtain a flu shot and my schedule for the rest of the year.  Before Jan 1, I will have 4 treatments COMPLETE.

In a nut shell this is how chemo land works this week.
Oct. 29  Chemo Day
Oct. 30 at 3:20 pm  Shot to stimulate white blood cell growth (at least I think that is what it is doing)
Nov.5, Blood work CBCD

Chemo is every 21 days, the "booster" shot is always the day after chemo, then the week after is blood work. After the blood work, I have 7 days before my next chemo.  Got it? Head spinning? Mine is. 

I am a normal person with a normal job; let's look at this.  Starting today, I will have to visit that office at LEAST 12 times before 2016.  That is essentially 2 weeks of vacation time I get to use.   Our government will allow me to use my FMLA time, yet that is UNPAID, and I am not as independently wealthy as I'd like to be. I am see the big business of cancer.  As a health care consumer, the time I need support, there is little out there for a professional to receive proper treatment without wasting vacation time.  Vacation is going to the beach, or a staycation.   Not sitting in a chair for 5 hours while a machine pumps toxins into me. Just makes me wonder why and how this has never been really properly addressed.  Yes, FLMA keeps my job.  But, I feel as if short term disability needs to have a few "chemo days" that can be utilized.  In order for me to qualify for short term, I had to waste 5 vacation days.  I will stop short term disability soon, if I need another chunk of time off, I have to waste those 5 vacation days again. To quote my Gramma, it's horseshit.

In a final note, they removed Lucifer's needle.  Oh sweet Jesus, it feels so much better!!! Lucy and I shall be friends!!

Here is Lucifer with her giant dressing, and you can see my scars healing.  This was before the needle was removed giving easy access.  As for the implants, that is a 400cc implant.  We still have some tweaking to do, but first I have to finish healing and finish chemo.  Then we tweak the new Foobies.

Finally, against medical advise, (lol) Jeff and I have begun our special count down.  I figure even of I take a SIP out of it, it still counts.... (alcohol is contraindicated during chemo, as are some foods I like,  I'm kind of back on the list of food to eat while pregnant). 

Sorry, Breast Cancer and chemo, we are doing this shit our way. Cheers!!!

Life Lessons from Gymnastics

Stepping up to an event, having practiced a routine hundreds of times, you have one shot each meet to nail the set, get through the set, or half ass it and blow it.  Bars. I always loved meets where I was able to start on bars.  I loved to swing, I loved my routine, it was comfortable, almost automatic.  BUT, you never assume it is automatic.  When you stop paying attention to the giant before the blind change, then you get off and the next skill is crap.  You must always be aware of your body, the skill, and of your mind. So much to think about, yet in the middle of it all you are calm.

Gymnastics taught me so many life lessons of staying calm and composed in the midst of a shit storm.  I learned I could fall and give up, or fall and rally to finish strong.  Or I could confidently make the set. 

I was never a star, never a big "Oh- look at that skill" kind of gymnast.  I had basics, I had clean skills, I had execution, I was consistent.  That is where I did well in college, I was a good consistent gymnast that was a good anchor to build bigger scores off.  I would hit my set, then cheer on my next teammate.  I would move mats, I would move boards, we would do whatever my fellow teammate needed for her routine.  And my teammates did it for me.  Who remembers drawing a smile on the mat on bars for me? Yep, I even doodled on mats.

But this sport, a tough sport like many, was so physically exhausting.  Physically punishing. Broken bones, sprains, ligament tears, tendonitis, etc.  It was me and an ice bath.  That always helped. That is why, after surgery, it seemed so natural to ice.  Ice soothes my mind and body. 

Every day at the gym wasn't awesome.  There were a hand full of days I wanted a day off or a break.  There were a few days that had tears, and frustration. But in the middle of season, you do not have the luxury to stop or give up.  You have practice, conditioning, weights, school, etc.  You keep going, you find a way deep in yourself to keep going.  So, with my cancer, I will keep going. I don't have time for daily pitty parties.  I keep moving forward, I keep running and doing yoga.  Why people ask? Why do you keep doing this if you know surgery is imminent?

As a gymnast, when I was injured I still went to practice.  I would ride the bike, and do the arm movement to a floor routine to keep in shape, I would swing bars without a dismount if I could not land.  I could always condition and always find something to work on that would not affect my injury.  Gymnastics taught me to find away to still stay strong even if you are not 100%.  Gymnastics taught me to be prepared and conditioned so I would be able to bounce back quicker.  That is why I run and yoga.  I figure the better the shape I am in, the better prepared my body is, the quicker I can heal.

But, you must respect the healing process. You cannot force healing.  Gymnastics taught me that.  You come back to quick, then you end up with a stupid flair up of tendonitis.  Had you listened to the trainer and took it slowly, you would be back sooner, instead you just caused yourself a road block. That is the hard part for me, listening to my body, and having patience during healing. Listening to pain is hard to do, but you must. As is listening to true pain, versus an annoyance.  I can't lie, there was always an annoyance of pain, a little twinge of something everyday in the gym.  The key was knowing true PAIN versus something you could work through.  Gymnastics taught be to know when to be tough versus when to back it off. It also taught me the body will heal, when given time.  I have to remember, I will heal, even if it is not as quickly as I hope.

My goal is to stay calm.  Put on my smile, my happy warrior face, and walk into surgery on October 2nd with my chin up, and my mind at peace.  I know my decision for the double mastectomy is scary, but it is appropriate treatment.  I have peace with my decision, so I am prepared.  It is like stepping up to the bars to complete and feeling 100% prepared, but still having a couple butterflies as you salute the judge. I will feel like that. 

Where my team was cheering my name, I know my friends and family will be.  We are all cheering for a good outcome.  So far, having clean Lymph nodes and a clear genetic work up have been great news.  The next step is after surgery is waiting for the pathology of my tumor and seeing what, if any, additional treatment will be needed.

I know recovery will be a LONG process. I know I will be a human, t-rex with short arms for a few weeks. I will heal, day after day, I will heal. Each day will bring a new challenge.  Each day, I will persevere and move forward, just like I did in gymnastics. 

I am thankful for my sport, for my family, friends and coaches who pushed me along in my gymnastics career. I am thankful of all the life lessons that still impact me today.  I am thankful, and I am ready.  

A Nod to my Nodes

Thanks for all the prayers on Friday!  Thankfully, node surgery went off without a hitch!

The lovely anesthesiologists did their job; no barfing!  That was a LOVELY cocktail they concocted.  Two thumbs up!

Dr. Miller was able to go in and find two happy nodes.  They are off to be analyzed and we should have the results by the end of the week.  Visually they looked good, but we need to see what the pathologists seem to think.  Remember Dude who stated during the core biopsy it "felt" benign.  I don't believe any of it until the pathologist tells me.

I can tell the following, someone had a lot of pressure on my mandible, as I am a bit bruised at the joint.  The area they cleaned my skin with something and I am all broken out.  Apparently, my skin does not like to be clean.  I have three spots of blue on the right "girl" from where they injected the blue dye. And I still have some numbness around that area.  Otherwise, I'm looking good!  I was closed up with internal stiches and steri-strips.  The steri-strips are now long gone and this is my memento from my Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy. I'm pretty sure my dreams of being an arm pit model have now been squashed.  Oh well.

Nice scar, no make up and all 6 chins

 



 

I must have been on some GREAT stuff on Friday.  Let's just say I have LIMITED memory of any of the things I saw I posted on Facebook.  I was on fire posting.  Let's do a little "Kim is high on legal medication" photo parade...

 

First here we are, 100% with it as the youngest people in Same Day surgery.

 

Then came the fancy gown:

 

Kim wears glasses in public photo (also last 100% non-medicated photo)



 

Post Surgery, higher than a kite, with suction canister hat.  

 

So, all in all it went as good as anticipated.  I even followed all the post op instructions.  I was SORE Friday night into Saturday.  By Sunday I felt really good.  On Monday, I even walked 2 miles.  I wanted to run, but it was not in the cards (my pit hurt when I swung my arm).

 

All in all, I am ready to get the results to see what is next!!!

 

Thanks again for all the prayers and positive energy-- it is working!!!