You Are Done, Right?

No. No, I am not.

I have now had 2 herceptin only treatments.  Every 3 weeks until October, I will have them.  All a long I thought it was 12 herceptin treatments.  Nope, it is 12 MONTHS of herceptin treatments.  A big difference.

The herceptin infusion seems easier.  My personal side effects are just fatigue and general crabbiness that lasts a day or so.  Much easier than the 5 to 7 days of recovery after a chemo treatment.  Also, I have started my tamoxifen pill.  This pill is what will block my estrogen, since my cancer likes to grow and live in estrogen rich environments.  I will be on it 10 years. I am also in the major throws of medical induced menopause.  I certainly did not see that coming at age 41.

I cannot lie, the tamoxifen scares me.  The reason is totally 100% vain and obnoxious; it is weight gain.  While my physician assures me there is no well controlled study that concludes tamoxifen leads to mid-section weight gain, it happens.  This really pisses me off. I don't want to gain any more weight. I'm working hard at losing all the weight I have gained with chemo.  In 6 weeks, I've lost weight and inches.  So, I am on the right track.  Now, I have to take this damn pill. Hrre is how it works:

Then comes that little voice in my head.  "Kim, you have a cancer that is treatable.  You are not terminal.  Be thankful for that.  Who cares about a little weight?"

I get it; in the grand scheme of cancer crap, I seem to be treatable. I am beyond thankful for that.

But, it doesn't change that I had a real break down last weekend, because I do NOT want to gain anymore weight. I want to go back to normal for me. I want to go back to running, fit in my clothing again, have my sense of self back.  Apparently, I am a lot more vain than I thought.  Not vain as much as, the added weight makes it harder to run; my want to run is waning because it is harder with the weight.

As I go down the rabbit hole of self pitty, there is a glimmer of pre-cancer Kim.  I saw her on Saturday at yoga.  I looked over my shoulder and saw me in a high lunge.  Near perfect alignment, strong legs, flexible.  And I was happy with me and what I have accomplished.  I know I can get back, my fitness level I have let slip.  Knowing I have to take a pill that may possibly add weight to erase that work, infuriates me off.

Here are a few other topics to update....

Foobs.
My foobs and I have been having issues. Good stuff like a little more sensation, and control.  However, bizarre things like, I went to open a door and my entire right side of my foob flexed.  I felt like a body builder flexing her pec, but I was just trying to open a door.  I still have enough room for the third foob.  I cannot wait for that to eventually be fixed.  Wearing bras is something I am trying to work with.  Every bra strap hits Lucifer (the port) on a bad spot.  If I wear a sports bra that is too constricting, the foobs and Lucy hurt.  I need to find something, but do not want to spend too much, as I will need new stuff in October anyway.  LOL!  I am in foob purgatory.

Chemo brain.
It is real and it sucks.  I simply cannot recall so many things.  I hear it gets better, but if I see you or talk to you and forget it, I'm already sorry.  I try to keep a list of things, then I forget where I put the friggin list.  Then I begin another list, and lose it.  See my issue?!

Focus.
I have a MAJOR lack of focus, that is a side effect of chemo brain.  I will step away from my work desk to go get coffee.  On the way to the kitchen, I will realize I need something from upstairs, then I come back downstairs.  I pass the bathroom and decide to go, then realize I need to switch laundry, go do that, realize I need to change the hand towels in the bathroom, go do that.  Decide to wipe down the bath counter top, enter kitchen for Clorox wipes, see the dishwasher is full.  Empty dishwasher.  Then wipe down kitchen counter, remember I wanted to wipe down the bath counter top.  Then sit back at my desk.  Go to get a sip of coffee, and my cup is empty. This is my problem.

Hand Issues,
As a side effect of the chemo, I am having hand issues.  Swelling, lack of sensation, strength, etc.  I have burned my fingers a lot recently and my fine motor skills have been off.  I cannot lie, I thought I was experiencing a weird neurologic thing. Nope, side effect.  It may last about 6 months or more. If you see me without my wedding rings on, I assure you Jeff and I are still swimming on our wedded bliss.  It's just my fingers are swollen.

Hair.
It's growing!!! I decided to use some of CC's hair chalks on Easter for a little fun.This is 6 weeks after my last chemo treatment.

I think that catches me up on my stuff.  I have been hesitant on writing the last few weeks due just because I was feeling whiny.  I hate to post "woe is me" posts. I know people have things a ton worse than I do.  There are people sicker than I and who the hell am I to complain about weight and swollen hands.  I acknowledge my issues are a drop in the bucket, however I have been reminded to validate that my issues are real and do affect me.  Even if a swollen hand will not kill me, it's still a pain in the ass when you cannot button you son's pants for school.