"That there dog's a BABY EATER!"

A few of you know I used to work out of the house for a living. In fact, I used the same equipment I now do technical support for. So, yea, I too was once and idiot who called in with mundane and stupid questions. But, what I did with my equipment (when not calling technical support) was "breathing and exercise tests" for folks in a couple doctors offices. A vast majority of my patients were in Kentucky, a vast majority of that demographic were from the HILLS of Kentucky.

If ya'll have spent any time in Kentucky, ya know you have some city folk. You know, the people living in major metropolis cities like Lexington, Louisville, and maybe "Southern Cincinnati." Those folks are like you and me. We were shoes, shower regularly, brush our teeth, and realize a doily does not need to be under every item in our home. Not that there is anything wrong with doilies, but they are a little dated. But, there are also those folks from the Hills. Those folks love their doilies, their Bible, their Aquanet and those big poofy curtains. Beyond that they also LOVE to tell us their VERY colorful stories some would make a "lady of the night" blush (oh, lady of the night = hooker in case you did not know), others make you scratch your head and think "No way."

Here is one of my FAVORITE stories from my Kentucky patients. I would tell you I am not using names so I can protect the innocent, but really it's because I cannot remember the name :)

Let's start with Jethro. Jethro is the man who told me, "That there dog's a baby eater." How the story goes is, I always talk. In my job back then, it was me and the patient. It was my job to make them feel comfortable and to get a good test effort for them (ain't nobody cheating in my lab for them to get sum dis-bility). So, I started with general small talk. He had dogs, I had a dog. So I asked, what kind of dog he had. He had a mutt, and I told him I had a Doberman. His face went pale, " A Doberman? That there dog's a baby eater. Ya'll got any babies? Cuz if you does you best gets rid of that dog. He'll eat it. Can't trust them Dovermans." I filed that story away so I could tell Jeff later on. Our "Doverman" is a "baby eater." God help us.

If I still knew Jethro, I'd show him that picture above. My Doverman with my young-in. CLEARLY Mag is considering eating her. Clearly, I was so distraught that had to run to the next room (leaving the baby eater with the baby) to get my camera and document this moment. Yep, Jethro you're right, that Magnum is a DANGER. yeah, right. That dog is better behaved than my 2 legged son. The 2 legger is the one I fear leaving the baby with. And I know he ain't no baby eater either.

There is no “quick” with 2 kids….my fugitive…

Ok, see those cute kids above, the top one, yep he’s a fugitive. At any point in time, I expect the Target po-po (i.e. police) to come and take him away. What’s the story, here it is As I remember it….

Last night after work I decided to escape our home and take both kids to Target. Of course the main reason I was going to Target was to return a couple items. And of course I arrive at Target realizing those items are STILL sitting on the counter at home…again. Oh well. Due to my paranoia of the swine flu, I decide to wear Tootie (names changed to protect the innocent/guilty), and Goose will sit in the cart with the fabric cart cover acting as a buffer between teh Target germs and his mouth. Of course, Goose will move the fabric to chew on the cart, but I’m trying here. A small aside, the pediatrician told me my likelihood of getting Swine flu at Target was low. Good to know.

So, the scene is set. A beautiful Momma (it’s my story I can be beautiful and dressed nice- but in reality it was jeans and a sweatshirt) with her beautiful, well behaved children. As we enter into the doors of Target, Tootie falls asleep and Goose begins gnawing on the cart like a beaver eating a tree branch. Ugh. Anyway, we enter into the children's section and look at some sweatpants and PJ’s for Connor (so much for code names). Then the normal Target shopping begins. Of course I am singing the “ABC” song with Connor the whole time for his, and all of Target’s amusement. Our Target shopping finishes and we check out.

I travel to the car and begin to unload the child I am wearing and place Connor in his car seat. As I remove the cart cover (which is a ball now), a pair of sweat pants fall out. I balme not seeing them on Connor, as he wanted to play with them on the store. In order to keep him amused, I gave him the pants. Oh crap, I forgot about those. So, I put Calista back in her carrier, pick up Connor, walk back into Target and give the nice Customer Service lady the sweatpants we almost shop lifted. She laughed and said no problem.

I return BACK to the car, lock in Calista, set Connor in his seat. Look down, and there is ANOTHER pair of $3.99 Hanes sweat pants. Son of a…. ugh. Now Calista is screaming and Connor is whining. I cannot do it again. So I toss the pants in the car and drive off. As I drive off to confess my Target sin to Jeff, I realize Connor is wondering around the back. In my haste I forgot to lock him in. So I lock in the kid and we travel to get a “quick” dinner at Chipolte. Both Kids. Under 2… Line to the DOOR.

I’m wearing Calista again and holding Connor. Trying to keep my left arm from falling off with the extra 22+ pounds it’s carrying. Plus the 11+ in the carrier I’m wearing with Calista. So, basically in line, for 20 minutes it’s me and 33+pound of weight. Wiggling weight no less. And I’m listening to this anti-American guy behind me stating he’s NEVER been to Chipolte?! Mr. Man, Chipolte is as American as Apple pie. What is wrong with you?! FYI- he decided to get a salad. Who gets a salad at the restaurant that has addictive additives in their rice? Only a freaky un-American guy. FREAK!

I FINALLY get to the start of the counter, place my order. Wait some more,then go to pay out. I place Connor on the counter and what happens? Yep, he starts STEALING Chipolte people tips. He begins hording the dollars in his little grubby hands. I try to pay and also pry the money from Connor’s hands. Thank God he decided it was Ok and did not throw a hissy fit. We get back to the car. I ensure EVERYONE is locked in. Calista is screaming again, Connor is sad his drink if empty, but gets happy again when I get him a chip.

All in all, from 5:30pm to 7:00pm I did my “quick” Target trip to buy a lamp. Instead I ended up with a lamp AND shop lifted sweatpants, and my “quick” pick up dinner at Chipolte. I arrive home and the husband says, “I have no idea how you did that with those 2 kids.”

How I did it was a mystery. And yes, I am blaming the shop lifting on Connor. Oh and why I had to buy a lamp…let’s just say the words, Connor, gravity and crash. Hence the new lamp.

Calista Chelsa Marie’s Birth Story

Birth Day: August 13, 2009 at 8:43am
Weight 6 lb 13oz
Length 20 inches
Well it all began on the morning of Wednesday, August 12^th. I woke up feeling a little different, I thought my water might have broken, but I was unsure. This was at 7:30am. I debated all morning and into the afternoon on what to do. I continued to work and we had it scheduled for Megan to come over and baby sit Connor in the afternoon.
Once I picked up Megan around 12pm, I called the doctor to schedule an appointment for “leakage.” They got me an appointment for 2pm with which Dr? Yes, the Dr. JA. Ugh.
The appointment was with Dr. JA, he checked me and determined the leakage was not my waters, but I did dilate from 1cm from Tuesday to 2cm on Wednesday. My back was very sore and I was having cramping from my back to my front down my legs. Ugh. Finally Jeff came home, and Connor, Jeff and I took a long walk. After our walk, I decided to go relax in bed for a while. By 9pm I noticed I was having possible contractions every 9minutes and 30 seconds. I downloaded an application for my I-touch to chart the contractions. They were every 9:32 for about 30 seconds. By 10pm, I decided it was nothing. So, I tried to sleep.
I woke with a start at 11:45pm. I REALLY thought my water broke. I went to the bathroom and more fluid was leaking. Then this huge cramp come over me, that one took my breath away. I woke up Jeff and told him he needed to call the doctor and someone to watch Connor. Then these contractions started to come every 3 and a half minutes lasting 45 seconds or so. Those were some of the LONGEST 45 seconds. They brought me to my knees, yep those felt like the real thing.
The doctor said to wait an hour and see how things were going. We tried to finish the packing of my bag (which we forgot EVERYTHING for the baby). We made calls during that hour, but every 3minutes and 32 seconds I had that lovely 45 second contraction- OUCH. One of those happened in the bathroom, I had the door open under the sink. Staring at me was my positive PG test. Jeff looked at test and at me and said, “Remember how excited and shocked you were 9 months ago when you took that test?” It was pretty uncanny timing as I’m having this major contraction on my bathroom floor.
Finally I made it downstairs to open the door for Jeff’s Mom and then have a major contraction on my office floor. Once that was over I told Jeff we need to leave NOW. Stop packing and getting stuff we need to leave NOW. So, I made my way to the car, while exiting the driveway I never realized how big that bump was from our driveway to the road. Our 8 minute drive from the house to the hospital was shortened as Jeff ran a stop light and thankfully drove quickly.
We arrived at the ER, and I was wheeled up into L&D by an athletic training friend who recently became a RN. THAT was funny.
Once in L&D, I go into a room, where I promptly dropped on all 4 fours asked for something to be sick into and proceeded to contract and vomit with the next contractions. By now it’s 1:30am – 1:45am. They ask if I want an epidural during this I said YES. They checked me and I was 3 cm and about 95-100% effaced (nurse said 100% Dr. Flemming said 95%). Anyway, I put on a gown got my IV and continued to contract and vomit about every 3 minutes. I stared at the second hand at the clock with each contraction and did my best to breath through those 45-50 seconds.
They gave me some pain meds to “take the edge off.” The nurse stated it would be like drinking a 12 pack. Either I have a really high tolerance for beer or this 12 pack was near beer. The only help it gave me was taking the contractions from my legs and it was just my back and uterus. They came in to ask Jeff to move his car from emergency, while he left the asked if I wanted to wait for him to come back before I got my epidural. I said NO, send in the epidural man.
I have survived many broken bones, hyper extended knee and lots of painful athletic related injuries… NONE of those even begin to touch the pain of a contraction.
Finally around 3am the Epidural man arrived. The assured me if I was in true labor, the epidural would not slow things down. I said, lets do it. I was amazed how I was not fearful at all of the epidural at this time. I was ready. After about 10 minutes it began to kick in and it was BEAUTIFUL.
Last check of the night was at 4am, we were told to rest and they would check me back at 6:30ish. Between 4am and 6:30am, we rested. I did not sleep at all, but was in sorta of a twilight rest. I was checked at 6:30am and I had dilated to 8cm and full effaced. They guessed around 8am we’d start pushing. At that time the nurse estimated we’d push for about 2 hours and have a baby after lunch time. They checked me again at 7:30am and I was 10cm. I had 30 minutes left of resting, and I was tired. We also called my Mom who was on her way over, and we alerted the other parents as well.
They came back in at 8am, I asked if we could wait a little longer, they said no it was time to push. I said before we begin that, ensure there is PLENTY of epidural left. At this point I did not feel any contractions I have no idea how I dilated from 4cm to 10cm, but it was PAINLESS. My legs did feel like dead weight but no pain. I was concerned I would not feel to push but, hey I figured we had like 2 hours of pushing ahead of me.
Well, little did any of us realize, my years of pulling my legs for double backs, or double flyaways would really pay off. Apparently I figured out the pushing thing pretty quickly. At 8:30am Dr. F popped in. He began to glove up and such, I asked him why was he in the room. He said we were having a baby pretty soon. Then he asked if I wanted to feel her head. I did and it was a very strange feeling. At that point I decided it was a good thing to remind him to be careful with his scalpel. I said, “If it’s not necessary, PLEASE refrain.” I even asked if I was “stretching” enough naturally, he said I was. I’m not sure if this is simply in my genetics, or a well endowed husband (J) or the perineal stretching might have helped. LOL. Anyway, one more round of pushes later I was told to relax, and viola she was born!
They quickly checked her and put her directly on me. She came into this world SCREAMING. She sounded like a cat, and even now when she cries it still sounds like a shrill kitten crying. I did tear a little, nothing impressive (thank GOD!!!). Jeff cut the cord, the placenta delivered and all was well. I even checked out the placenta – that was weird. The nurse was even able to tell me I did not smoke her whole PG because of how it looked (who knew a placenta could tell you about that?!).
So, the doc finished up and congratulated us. Then things get a little fuzzy. I know they hung pictocin to help the uterus contract back, then they stopped the epidural (bye-bye my little friend). I felt really well, hence the quick texts and posts via my I-touch. Jeff made all the calls to our families.
It was crazy she was/is so small. I cannot believe it all happened so fast! But little did I realize what was ahead….the really “glamorous” part of post-pardum “recovery” that no one speaks of…..

The Howell Family