Back in 1975, when I was born, the docotor saw a vagina and wham, "It's a girl!" Being a girl growing up, was rather a sterotypical situation. Cute pony tails, dresses, necklaces... being told I was pretty. Oh, and I am "a girl" it's totally how I identify.
However, being a "girl" has certain serious suck points. One of these complete point of suck is my Frenemy.
A definition: Frenemy- is an oxymoron and portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" that refers to a person with whom one is friendly with despite really not liking the person. For this blog, my frenemy is not a person. We will get there.
My Frenemy was really fine for the first 13 years of my life. I knew it and it's friends were there, but, we had a nice relationship. I did my thing, it did it's thing. Until the day it "really" did it's thing. One day I woke up, not feeling particularly well, so I stayed home from 7th grade. Little did I know this was one of the best decisions of my life. Like any girl of a certain age... you know "it" is going to happen. Sadly, we never know exactly when. Well, for me, that March day, was the day Aunt Flo came to visit. Completely unprepared, there I was in my grandparents bathroom hoping that toilet paper was a good substitue for proper feminine hygine (spoiler alert, it's not). I called my Mom at work and informed her of Aunt Flo's visit. Her first words to me, "Are you sure?!" This is one of my core memories - and something I SWORE I would never ask my daughter when her visiter came, alas, I did ask the same question. More out of internal giggles to myself... ANYWAY....back to 13 year old Kim....
My Mom informed me there were "pads" in the closet and we would talk when she got home. I will never forget, that pad.... If a Chipolte Burrito could be a unit of measure, and then add anout 12 inches in length.... that mwas the pad. It was like a damn giant burrito. Like any resourceful 13 year I cut that guy in 1/2 and used surgical paper tape to close the open end. It was like wearing a pillow between my legs, but still, better than the toilet paper. I felt like I was walking like John Wayne when he dismounted a horse. I had a weird swagger. Anyway... THAT was the first time my frenemy really introduced itself to me. And our exasperating relationship began.
For about 13 years after our "formal introduction" we just co-habitated. Monthly, I was aware she was there.... 21 days out of the month were heaven. However, when she made her self known... it was a rough 7-10 days...always. I had to do medication to control her, and her evil ways. Then, many moons later, my beloved husband and I decided it was time to have children. I threw away the controlling uterus and friends pills and away we went....and.....nothing..... ???
They had a job, monthly, drop an egg... allow in some sperm, and lets have a baby!
Instead, I had... nothing. I found out, I had a tight cervix. That sounds fun, right?! Nope, it's not.... Then a near 7ft tall, ex-college basketball player, turned OB/GYN tells me he's gonna dilate my cervix. While, I know he was using medical grade chopsticks... I swear he used a damn baseball bat to dilate it. Let's say, it was more than a "slight pinch." Still nothing...
Uterus, cervix, ovaries and friends were being jerks...FINE.
Then came years of infertility treatments...Things were never explained. My ovaries dropped eggs, my uterus was cleaned up and ready... nothing. Just nothing. The only explaination we were ever given was, my eggs had a "hard" shell.
Obviously, the end of the story is my amazing son via adoption and my incredible daughter who was a cosmic surpise! Evnetually, ute and friends, played well.
Many years post kids, things were not so good. The horror-mones due to my Frenemy caused post pardum depression, which also let into some pre-menstral distress disorder... and brought me to my friends Zoloft then Lexapro.
When I was 40, we learned about breast cancer and how my cancer cells liked to live off the horror-mones of estrogen and progesteron. But, we had to keep my Frenemy. And I did.
For almost 6 years, I was on a drug named, Tamoxifen. I'm going to skip a bunch of the crazy it caused, but the big problem it left me with was issues with my uterine lining. I just dealt with it all, because that is what you do. Until, I stopped tamoxifen, and my blood work came back a little off. Problems with ute and friends, plus weird blood = let's do a biopsy. My long time OB/Gyn (and football coach of my son) called back with things look good...but... He and I had a long converstaion about the but........
If you have read this far, you know ute and friends, and I have had a very rough relationship. Knowing the horomones it creates makes my cancer cells grow, plus other issues... it's time to kick her and her shitty friends OUT.
On November 7th, they will be evicted. I'm not sure how this will go, but she will not go quietly into this night. Nope, she's giving me one more Aunt Flo visit for the road. It's been a 47 plus year relationship, but, it’s time we say good-bye. I am a bit concerned about being thrown into menopause and not being able to use HRT (horomone replacement therapy) to help. The rest of my body and I have been through a bunch. So, I'm sure we will be fine.
Frenemy, you brought me tears with miscarriages, and joy with my miracle baby girl. I will always be thankful that you did your jobs 100% and brought me CC. Thanks for your effort with everything else. But, for now... your service is over. Please go rest in the uterus and friends afterlife.
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