The Big Black Hole

Where to even begin... Let's tell it how it is.

I went in on Tuesday for the ultrasound.  The techs were super nice.  Immediately she put the wand on me, and I saw it. There are a few spots, but she found THE spot. A big black hole.  Laying there, I knew.  A prayer I offered up was answered.

I never prayed for a "negative test" or did a "why me" type request.  My prayers were for God to help me get all the information available to make an informed decision, and for this not to kill me.  I asked that he make it obvious  on which surgery I needed.  Looking at the black hole, it was obvious. That was my, "Here's your sign" moment (FYI- Not the Bill Engvall 'Here's Your Sign" thing, this was more Biblical).

Once the ultrasound was complete, then some nice Doc came in to confirm the suspicions and stated he would call Dr. Miller (she's my Breast Surgeon).

We went upstairs to see Dr. Miller, I told Jeff in the elevator that my boobs were going to get evicted.  He and I spoke very candidly the night before.  He made it clear he was fine with helping me deal with post surgery things and all the icky crap that will happen.  Once I knew he was up to task, God  gave me the sign - I was at peace with making my decision.

In Dr. Miller's office, she wanted to do her own ultrasound to confirm what was found. I felt her measuring and looking. I swear I felt her thinking. I finally said, "You know I'm not THAT attached to my right breast."  She laughed and explained that she was concerned if we did a lumpectomy, that there would not be enough tissue left to save the breast and a mastectomy would occur.  Again, I had that feeling of being in control and being at peace with my decision.

She spent a TON of time discussing options of what could or could not happen.  Discussions on implants versus DIEP surgery (look that one up yourself), nipple sparing surgery, and removing lefty.  We discussed how it was a medically sound decision to go ahead with the double mastectomy.    But, first we need to get out my sentinel lymph nodes.  Since this cancer has gone from cute and manageable to an obnoxious pain in my ass, she is concerned it make be in the nodes and wants those out before any other surgery.  Apparently, how the nodes come back will determine if I am a candidate for the double mastectomy with beginning reconstruction at the same time, or just the double mastectomy.  If I need radiation, that will break down the breast tissue and possibly an implant.  If radiation is necessary, the reconstruction will happen at a later date.

I will be having a consultation soon with the Plastic Surgeons.  Apparently, Cigna only has hand plastic surgeons in network.  So, since there is no one that specializes on breasts and I certainly do not want fingers protruding from my chest, the new doctors can apply for a "like" in-network approval.  So, Cigna has to cover who I pick.

As for the node removal, that looks like that will happen on September 11th.  Lovely. While most people were in shock on September 11, 2001, my Step-Mother had her final brain surgery.  That was my concern on September 11, 2001.  I am trying my damnest to figure our why all these lead up procedures are overlapping with the dates my loved ones had surgery.   What is the Universe trying to say? Or is it just happen stance? Am I strong and brave like them? Maybe.. Ugh, I just don't have a proper perspective on that.

The ball has begun rolling, the roller coaster is climbing up the hill, this journey is beginning.  I'm hoping we are all in for a smooth ride, but, I know better. There will be bumps, set backs, or some type of goofy drama. If there is not, well then that will be awesome.  I will welcome a very boring, textbook recovery from stupid breast cancer.  I hope to be that lucky.

Thanks for all the kind words and support, it means so much!!! For everyone who has offered to watch my kids, I'll be calling you. I'm not sure taking Connor in to look at "new lungs" for Mommy is a good idea. I can see his just tossing an implant around and pretending to play catch with it.  Yeah, we're going to need some child care....