Like many people, when I travel, I freak out. Work or play, I have a few not so pretty moments full of anxiety and total irrational thinking. Planning, thinking, praying... once any trip is booked, that is how my brain goes. I make copious amounts of lists, then lists for lists, then lists of things that need done, things to purchase, things that need cleaned at the house, things to pack in this suitcase, things to have for the kids, itineraries, etc. etc. Ugh. Once things seem calm about a week before the trip, insert crazy irrational freak out about kitchen light/passport/blow dryer/or some other non-sensical object. That's what I do, go from calm to crazy in 0.5 seconds.
A moment for an aside: Last week I did have a breakdown about our kitchen light. 11 years into our marriage, Jeff just rolls with it, sends me to Home Depot/Target/Macy's where ever to get what I think I need to solve my freak out. Last week, pre-travel crazy was caused by our kitchen light not being bright enough and always breaking. After a trip to Home Depot, I can say our new light is really nice and bright.
This week, I have an opportunity to travel to Germany. This trip has been in the work for months. It's for work, but there will be a little, tiny bit of play as well. However, this is the LONGEST I have left Jeff and the kids. You are thinking, "Hooray! A Break! She's one lucky Mom! I'd kill for a 8 day break from my kids." I thought that too. Now, I leave in a few days. Reality has set in...
I'm leaving.
But, I'll be back.
My gut is twisted with fear, excitement, anticipation, apprehension, and sadness. I like those little people and that tall Kid I married. I like that call from my Mom each night around 9pm. I like my couch at night when all is quiet. I like the bit of crazy that is my day to day.
I will miss all of that a ton. I have already shed enough tears, thinking how I will miss this moment or bedtimes next week. I am worrying about what to pack, what to not pack, will my MasterCard work over there? Will I get the arm rest on the flight over? How off will my jet lag be? Will I get to call the kids? Will the flights be on time? Will the kids miss me? Will Jeff sing CC her songs at night? Will they remember to give Higgins his pill? Will the house be clean when I get back? Stupid stuff, I am worrying about stupid, day-to-day things. Nothing major.
I stood in my kitchen, alone, on Saturday having a, "Woe-is-me" party. While on the verge of a minor breakdown, I walked into my dinning room and stopped. On my dinning room table are odds and ends of a care package we hope to send to our Troops for the holiday. Then it hit me.
Here I am, having a minor freak out. I'm leaving for 8 days. Flying on a nice Delta plane to Germany to meet up with co-workers for a week of training and German beer drinking. I am NOT being deployed for years to a country where I could meet my maker due to a road side bomb. I am not placing my life on the line for others, nor am I on the front line fighting for freedom.
My biggest concern is catching my connection in Paris and finding the right train when in Germany. I will only miss 8 days with my kids and family. Not years. I will still see them for the Holiday's, for their Birthdays, etc.
When I pondered that, I realized I was only feeling a tiny amount of what soldiers and their families must feel. Mother's praying their son/daughter/husband/friend/family member return safely. Soldiers leaving their families knowing they will miss so many Christmases/birthdays/holidays/just normal days.
I cannot imagine it. Those feelings must be so very overwhelming. I know I feel overwhelmed. And this is just normal Kim-must-freak-out-prior-to-a-trip crap. I cannot fathom it.
After realizing I was being a weenie, I stepped back. I validated that I was nervous, but that everything should be fine. Any road block I encounter on my trip will be dealt with, without major issue. I will be fine. My trip will be safe, and I will get to come back home to my family. I will stay in a cute little town, in a nice little hotel. Not a tent, where I am surrounded my sand, and people who hate everything my country stands for.
I am lucky to be able to take this trip. I know I will learn a lot from it. I already have learned from it, about me.
My perspective is changing. I am still have my travel anxiety, but it's back to a more manageable level. I know just have extra compassion for all our Troops and their families. I don't know how they do it; but I tell you, when I see a solider at the airport, I'm going to make sure I thank them.
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