Because this little guy, came home.
This was another moment that happened just before he came home.
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| Hands Connor's Birth Mom, Connor and his Birth Grandmother |
Really, the day was equal parts excitement and terror. After years of infertility, and watching failure after failure, Jeff and I found ourselves at the cusp of becoming parents. We found ourselves praying that Connor's birth mom would make the best decision for her and her son. OK, guiltily, I found myself praying that she would keep her word to us that she would sign relinquishment papers. Guilt, I still have a bit of guilt of that prayer; I felt it to be a very selfish prayer.
I so badly wanted to be Connor's Mom. We were there with Connor's birth mom through a majority of her pregnancy, through labor and delivery. We were hours away from this being one of the most exciting days of our lives. We were hours away from finally being a family.
On the opposite side of the coin, it was probably the hardest day for Connor's birth mom. Here I am hoping and praying for her to make me a Mother, but also praying for her to have strength. God, is she a strong lady. I cannot even fathom deciding who would be able and capable to raise my child for me. I cannot fathom not seeing my child everyday, and having to depend on the word of a stranger that she would keep our adoption open. There is no law stating an Open Adoption must stay open, it's just a promise. She knew that once she signed those relinquishment papers, her rights were gone. She was no longer the mother in the eyes of the law, she no longer had any rights to her child. A couple signatures, that was all it took to make her rights, vanish.
I still get anxious leaving my kids with a few family members. But, to know I am leaving my child with a stranger, FOREVER TO RAISE- just sends my gut into spasms. I don't know how she had the strength and knowledge at 19 to make such a HUGE decision. Hell, Jeff and I still cannot decide who should be Connor's guardians - we've been discussing this for 3 years. She just had a few months to meet a couple and decide if it "felt right."
So four years ago today, was one of my best days.... but in my heart, it broke for Connor's Birth Mom. I can still feel the shattered pieces of it. I can also feel the trust and love she has for, not just Connor, but Jeff and I. She hoped we were people of our word. She knows that now, but 4 years ago, all she had was hope that a couple would keep their word. Their word to love and raise her son, as their own. Their word that she would be part of his life, that she could contact us at any time.
All she had was a promise, just like a promise you made on the playground in grade school. Luckily for us all, we have been able to keep our promise. And I think that is how she is able to cope and sleep with her decision to place her son for adoption.
Fast forward four years, of course she was on my mind all the evening of July17th (the day she was in labor four years ago), as well as July 18th when Connor was born. She took time to call Connor to wish him a Happy Birthday. She and I discussed meeting for dinner, I explained that if she wanted to eat with Connor and I, CC was also coming. I explained we are kind of a package deal. Without missing a beat she said, "Oh, well of course! I think of her as mine too!" So, there you have it. My daughter, is like my son's Birth Mom's adopted daughter.
Yes, her worst day ever, was one of my best days ever. The turmoil and emotion from that day has brought us both so much joy. I do not think either of us expected that. The joy all stems because she made this happen:
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| First Family Picture |
From that day, I also have a lovely picture of all four of us. I look at it every morning and say a prayer for her, and a prayer for thanksgiving.
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