I

Nothing like trying to do an alphabet style blog and the next letter comes around and I think, "I? What starts with I?"  Truthfully, I even googled "words that begin with the letter I."  Then, last night, as I went to lay myself down to sleep, a word - beginning with the letter I- popped into my held. I gave myself a mental head slap.

My reality in 2007

Infertility.  Seriously, it's in the title of the blog and I could not come up with that word for almost a week. My mind is just racing with other things like, "Why will CC not poop on the potty consistently?" and " Does Connor hear what I am saying to him, or do I sound like the teacher from the Peanuts when I talk? Wah- Wah-, wa-wa-WAH..."

Infertility, the dead horse I keep beating, and the stupid thing keeps living. Infertility is like a zombie, it never seems to die, it just moves onto it's next victims - maybe that makes it more like a tape worm? Either way it is an uninvited guest that feeds off of PCOS, low sperm counts or mobility, crappy eggs, un-inviting uteruses, unexplained issues, and just sucks the joy out of baby making. I think it might also feed on happiness, joy, hope, prayer, love, and life.  It seems like it feeds until all of those emotions are a distant memory; while you walk around feeling a shell of yourself.  Your life begins to revolve around cycles, blood work, injections, ultrasounds, sperm collecting/cleaning, counting follicles, ovulation, IUI/IVF/ICSI, etc... You begin to wonder if it will ever work, or if you will ever feel yourself again. If you will ever be a parent.

I have said time and time before, that I was OK with going through our journey in the hell that is infertility.  I was just hoping if I went though it, none of my friends or family would be affected. Instead it seems like we are patient 0, having infected our friends and some family members with infertility. It sucks. I HATE hearing stories of some one else going to my doctor. He's a great doc, but I just wish things were going smooth so NO ONE ELSE needs to use him.

Having been to Church a bunch this Easter season,  I have listened to all our Easter readings and Gospels.  You know the one where Jesus goes into the desert and is tempted by the devil?  I have this feeling that infertility is the devils work, not God. It's just like that temptation in the desert, and the infertile couple yelling at God, "Why have you Forsaken me?" Whereas, God (or the higher power in which you believe) has been at your side the whole time, trying to help you fight the devil that is infertility.  God bestowed the gifts upon our smart RE's to help us fight that devil, he/she gave us the strength we needed to endure another failed cycle, more blood work, more drugs. So, with my deep thought of yesterday, infertility is a level of Hell - not a punishment from above.

Remember YOU have not done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this. "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Thanks, Aibleen from The Help.

What is from above is that child who is still waiting for you. Knowing one day YOU will be his or her parent.  Always remember, your child IS waiting for you.

Deep, huh? Sorry, to keep bringing up the infertility journey, but I just know so many people still on it.  It's like I have a moment where I feel everyone is good, then I get a call, or a text or an email of someone asking me for my doctor's phone number, or advise. Just knocks the wind out of my sails knowing someone else gets to journey though hell to be a parent.  It is just.not.fair.

To my friends still knee deep in a cycle, or just beginning this journey, you are NOT alone.  There is an army of us here to support you. And even though we do not know you, we keep you in our heart hoping you win the infertility battle quickly.

After a 7 year battle, these two were worth every blood draw, failed cycle, and tear.