A

Annoying, Apple, Anger, Ants, Acceptance.

Let's see...
- Many things annoy me, it's gotten worse. My patience for things/certain people is null.
- Apples, I am on a Honeycrisp apple kick. They are simply delicious and the BEST apple EVER. If you have not tried one, you must!
- Anger, yep, been working my way through a bit of that.
- Ants- well they are back in my garden, so that must mean spring is near (yeah!).
Acceptance. Yes, that is the A word, I am going to focus on. (As if I could start a long blog series with a post on Ants or my love of Honeycrisp Apples (there is always H in case I come back to those)). 
Acceptance. I think of that word and immediately, a prayer pops into my head. I learned this prayer in High School and reading it now, I think our teacher made us repeat it daily as a mantra for herself. You know so, she would not run screaming out of a class of 16 year olds while spouting phrases such as "Pet your Dog Not your Mate."  Ah, memories of sex-ed in Religion class in an all girls Catholic School.

Her prayer was:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Later in College I learned that was a prayer said at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings (No, I did not attend AA- we studied in my Drugs Class I took).  The little fact, that the prayer was said at AA meetings, then made me ponder if Religion Teacher might have had a little issue. Heck, teaching religion to high school girls would drive ME to drink.

I Googled and Wikipedia'ed the prayer and came up with the beautifully written original, by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

I have been having issues accepting things. Accepting I am not 100% perfect; neither is my husband (FYI- Jeff was SHOCKED to read that) or my kids, or even my dog for that matter. Why I expect perfection from myself and others is overwhelming. It's a downward spiral.  One lapse in perfection, can throw off the rotation in the perfect world I was trying to create. I was trying to have the perfect house, never yell at the kids, have things picked up, always wear a smile, trying to anticipate things before they happen. I have no idea why I placed this pressure on myself.

I am working on accepting it's OK to leave dishes in the sink- I am giving myself permission to leave them there. Heck at this point, I am trying to FORCE myself to leave them there.  I am trying to be happy sippy cups are put together and not obsess, that the lids and bottoms are not the original configuration.  Accepting I NEED to ask for help. I cannot just expect someone else anticipate my next move or thought. Verbal communication goes a long way and will help avoid conflict. 

Accepting I will have toys everywhere in this house for a very long time. I can purchase a 100 bins from Target, Oohhh and Ahhh over a million "house hold organization" blogs- but, face it. This is a battle I am giving up on. I have even let the damn Weebles and Little People co-mingle.  God knows the hybrid off-spring they could create. I am just happy those little things are not chucked about the house.

I am TRYING to accept the fact Connor does not want to nap each day, and that Calista hates to Poop on the potty. I accept I LOVE nap time, and HATE potty training. I accept the fact my kids love to get messy and that, together, the three of us find activities twe love that are fun with a MINIMAL mess. Pouring water, colored with food coloring, playing with rice dyed with vinegar and food coloring, painting with shaving cream tinted with food coloring - messy yet still clean. They love it, I love to see them explore, and clean up is simple. Win-Win. (and yes, I use a LOT of food coloring!)

I am trying to accept me. Me with all my flaws. I will be the first to tell anyone how beautiful they are, and how the number of the scale means nothing. I talk a great talk. That scale pisses me off. As much as I WANT to say it does not influence how I feel about me, it does. It's amazing how carrying around 5 extra pounds, makes me feel so flat. It sucks that a little extra gravity can change my whole sense of self. Blah.

I am trying to accept that, motherhood is HARD.  And, honestly, having fought SO HARD to BE A MOM, left me feeling I could not bitch about BEING a Mom. Like I should just be forever grateful I get kicked, spit at, pee'd on, barfed on, yelled at, etc. I felt I could never complain. Yes, I enjoy my kids, I AM forever grateful I was blessed with them, but these two are just demanding little people.

And they need to be. They are little, they demand me, because they need me. They kick and yell and turn into demons because they are unable to communicate their feeling or thoughts. I know this. BUT, since my road was so bumpy to Motherhood, I felt I could not ever say a negative thought about it.  I should just be pleased as punch that Connor hit me because I took away his motorcycle that he was beating his sister with. I thought society expected me to be demure and think, "I am just lucky to be a Mom." Not, "What the heck? Demon Spawn go take a break before Momma loses her mind."

Then reading all these perfect mother blogs, with great kids, and Mom's who never yelled houses looking picked up always, makes me just wonder with the hell am I doing wrong? Do those perfect mom kids have serious meltdowns behind the scenes and they never mention it? It's a very hard place to be in where you feel you are simply expected to be grateful, and not real. By being real I can accept Mothering is hard, at any age, and being 3 and 2 is hard for the kids. We are in it together and we will be awesome.

Being a Mother, balancing being a wife, daughter, friend, full time worker -- is a seriously tough balance. All of those people depend on me to be on my A game, but it's been hard lately. I feel I've been just mediocre at everything. There has been so much happening, I cannot give my whole self to any one thing. So, I feel I am in a constant loop of trying to juggle everything. Luckily, none of the balls have dropped. But, I have been a crab. A raging, fly-off the handle, CRAB. No one on that list placed any pressure on me to do anything. I do that to myself. That is my issue I am trying to work with. Looks like I need to start saying "No" to things. I need to say, "Ok Connor, if you do not want to nap, lay in my bed and watch a movie."  I still NEED that quite time at nap, as I am still working. I am expected to work from 8 to 5 --that is my responsibility. If it seems we are at a point when the kids just cannot stay home with me, well, then we need to explore other options. I need to stop forcing to make thing work that are not working.
A is for acceptance. I need to accept things with grace and serenity. Try to realize what is in my control to change.  Try to weed through the crap to see what is REALLY important. And, I pray to God I am making the right choice.   I will continue to be a work in progress for awhile, I am trying to accept the fact change takes time.

In conclusion (I feel like I'm writing a paper now), I accept that writing this post feels like a GIANT weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  The funny thing is, I had no idea that weight was there. THANK YOU to the one who made me realize something was a bit off kilter. Seems you know me a little better than I know myself.