B

Yesterday, I had 3 B topics swimming around in my head.  This morning I woke up and only remembered one of them. So, I guess that is the one on my mind and it will be our topic.
Let's start with a story, a TRUE story. About me, and Calista, and a poor Hallmark lady I totally blindsided.
We were looking for a gift for Connor's Birth Mother.  Like most typical Hallmark visits, the sales lady popped over to ask if I needed help.  In past visits, I had seen cards for Birth Mothers so I asked, "Do you have any special gifts for a Birth Mother?"
Insert, awkward pause and quizzical look...
Hallmark Lady: "Is she like a friend or something?"
Me: "Well, sort of. She did give birth to my son."
Hallmark Lady, still looking confused and has no idea what to say to that... : " OK, well nothing specific that I know, but we have some nice gifts...."

There we have it, B is for Birth Mother.

Connor has a birth mother. There I said it, and SURPRISE, I'm not it. He did not come from my belly, he came from hers.  Yes, Connor KNOWS the term Birth Mother, but really doesn't get *what* it means. He knows he is *'dopted* but again, the concept isn't there. He's just regurgitating facts from a book I made him. I luckily took a picture of Connor still inside his Birth Mother (the night before she delivered). So, I have photo evidence, he was in there, at one point. (ASIDE: And, you would never know now that he was ever in there, her stomach is so flat it's not even funny.)

We recently had a visit with his birth mother, birth grandmother, and birth aunt. So, we can call them:
BM = Birth Mother
Bgma= Birth Grandmother
BA= Birth Aunt

We had not seen BM and Bgma for almost 7 months; BA, it's been almost 2 years, if not more.  And BA is young, like just into high school young.  I wonder what happens outside our visits, how they perceive us, what they think of Connor - or better yet- do they think of Connor?  This visit, I got a few answers.

Connor was not Connor's birth name, but his second middle name is his birth name.  I was asking BM what she refers to him as when she talks about him.  She said, "When BA and I talk about him we use his birth name." I suspected that (she has a tattoo with his birth name on her), but I never asked. I know during some of our initial meetings, she would slip and call him by his birth name. Connor just did not respond, because to him, it's not his name.  I bet that hurts her.  One day, I will explain how he got his name, but for now, He knows he is "Connor Joe Howell."  Which is sort of his name, apparently Josef (pronounced Joseph, but spelled CRE-8-TIV-LEIGH) is a tough one to say.

During our visit, every third word out of Connor's mouth was "MOM."  I wondered how that made BM feel, but when I heard the phrases "My Son" and "My Nephew."  Some weird animal instinct raised my hackles and I felt slightly, almost, threatened. Like, I do not need to share MY SON. Mine not yours.

There is my problem, Connor is mine. But he is also, theirs.

I'd love to say how easy it is to have an open adoption and how we are just one happy family.  But, truth is, it's a delicate dance for us and the birth family. Don't get me wrong, we all TOTALLY respect each other, we are kind, we are really friends, but it's more than that.  We are connected unlike any other connection, we are connected because of him. We keep being connected FOR Connor.  We want him to know them.  If he has questions about his birth family or some tough adoption related questions, I can say, "Well, let's call BM and ask."  We are not "family"- yet we are. It seems we are still in a honeymoon phase where with each visit we are all just smiles. Everyone being just a little reserved, trying to say the right thing, act the right way, and we all are fawning all over this little boy. And now CC.

I am BLESSED that Connor's biologic family has also embraced Calista. I will never forget how nervous I was to tell BM I was expecting. When I did, I saw that tear in her eye, felt her breath catch, but her next breath was, "Now he can be in a real family."  I had no idea she was concerned he would be an only child, she seemed delighted he was going to be a big brother.

I think visits for us all are something we all look forward too, but also a little bit dread.  BM gave Connor something I never could - Life. Jeff and I gave Connor something she could not - a stable home with two people longing to be parents.  By working together, to show this little man a united front, I hope he realizes how very loved he is.  As for Calista, she just digs the extra attention and treats :)

I'd love to share pictures, of our visit. But, instead, enjoy a few from a recent Zoo visit on St. Patrick's Day.

Sweet Littles

Handsome Connor Joe

Calista doing her jig

Petting the milk snake