Unanswered Prayers

"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"
- Garth Brooks

I had to check my blog archives to see if I have ever typed about this day. Turns out I have not. Well, today is the day I will. And it might just be the final step in my healing process.

Let's review.... June 2007, we finally had our first ever positive pregnancy test, you know thanks to the science of IVF and ICSI.  (For the lay people- they took my prettiest eggs, took Jeff's handsome-ist sperm, smushed them together to create our embryo's.  The ICSI is when they get smushed together, we had to do that, as at that time, my eggs hated Jef's stuff, and even when forced to hang out in a petrie dish together, my eggs were all snotty and ignored Jeff's guys.  So, if you smush them together, they don't have a chance to not mingle together.  Take that snotty eggs!).  Anyway, we were given a due date of February 3, 2008.  A winter baby, an Aquarius- just like me.  This date would make our baby a Birthday buddy with our friend Mark (Shout out to Mark G- Happy Birthday!) .  We were excited, to say the least.  So, for a few weeks, before everything went sideways, I was super excited for February.

Then things went sideways. And it was bad.  Really bad.

That summer, we had a friend whose teenage daughter was PG.  After we suffered our loss, like any infertile woman, I was totally and completely envious, and distraught every time I saw her and her every expanding belly. I felt the typical thoughts of, "Why her and not me?  She should be going to college, not be a Mommy.  THAT should be me."  It was tough, our friends knew that. It sucked, we did not discuss it much.  But, it seemed around every corner was her. I did mention the words adoption to them, but she wanted to parent. Her and her boyfriend were in love and wanted to be a family. You can't blame anyone for wanting happiness, but I was pretty pissed my happiness was being denied.

Like I said, these were dark days.

In the true fashion of learning from the Universe, we hung out a lot with those friends that year.  We got to see the expecting Mom a lot. We even got her a cute shower gift, of course picking it out for her was pure hell. Being in a baby aisle without and glimmer of hope of having a baby is one horrible feeling. It's like my feet were in cement shoes, I was drowning in the horror of placing myself in that situation. To say it sucked was mild.

Then, in Jan of 2008, I met Connor's birth mom.  Finally, hope started peeking in.  Just a spec of hope, not too much for fear the hope would fill me - then my world would come crashing down again. I only let in a spec of hope, it had fooled me before.

But, things were looking up.  We a potential Birth Mom, Jeff and I were joining a friend, Scott, for a trip to see the Reds play at spring training.  [A SIDE NOTE: On that trip we met Scott's Aunt who was also in the adoption process -- in fact, their birth mom was LIVING with them! I did take that as an interesting happenstance.] Everything was looking OK -- but, that damn due date was approaching. Jeff and I never spoke of it, but, it was in the back of our minds.

February 3, 2008 - was tough. It was a Sunday. We went to Church, I felt that was important to be in my pew on that day. In fact, I made out a large check and placed it in the collection basket. My intention was someone should see a little light and hope on this day, even if it was not Jeff or I. Then we got a call.  "Hey, XXX, is in labor! While we wait, want to meet us for lunch?"

Breath sucked out of me, knife stabbed in my heart. Not only does she "get" the pregnancy, she "gets" MY due date. Talk about a rough day. 

We did meet for lunch, we did go back to the hospital with them for a bit. I did say a prayer for safety for Mom and baby.  Then we went home.  That was a hard day. I again, tried to use my glass 1/2 full thought of, "At least this day is bringing someone else joy."  I tried, but it was tough for me to even find joy over envy, frustration, saddness, and defeat.

Fast forward 4 years... That little girl is 4, my friend Mark is 4 years older than he was in 2008. And I am a Mom of 2 wonderful, crazy little kids. Jeff and I are a family. I'm a Mommy.

Had that pregnancy in 2007 gone to term, I don't know how my life today would be.  I know we would not have Connor or Calista. The prayer in my heart was to be a Mommy; to be a family. It just was not my time then, I just did not know it.

I love my life, I really could not be happier. I get to see these two littles every day:

So, for that, I thank God for unanswered prayers.