Momma in the Middle: Paw Prints on My Heart

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

As I type this, Mag is all in my face, putting his head up between my arms as I type. Then, resting his head on my lap. Magnum is tired. Magnum is not comfortable. Magnum wants to leave this world before the pain gets too much, at least that is what his eyes tell me. I know he hurts. He falls, his back legs have begun to betray him. Puppies shouldn't have to be in pain when they simply try to scratch their face with their back legs. He should be able to at least sit without pain. But, we are at a point, where he is surviving with pain. I used surviving because, he's not living the life he wants. He wants to run, chase kids, annoy squirrels and tackle Higgins. He doesn't want to lay on the floor with nagging pain, watching life go on around him. He'd rather be sitting on the couch. But, getting up in the couch hurts. But he does it for me; to be next to me. He puts on a brave face to bear the pain for me. I need to think of him, not me.

Magnum is ready to rest pain free.

This is the time in a pet owners life, that sucks. We can continue down this road an watch Mags eyes get darker and allow every inch of joy leave him, as he lives in daily pain. Or, we do "what is best." What is "best" isn't easy, and it doesn't help that it makes me feel like an executioner.

I have talked with my husband and with 3 of the vets at our office. We all know it's time. The bone cancer is winning this battle. Bone cancer sucks, you know. Magnum's family needs time, this is why we have choose to give ourselves time to prepare and enjoy time with Mags. I have been able to tell Magnum about people to look for in heaven, to assure him he has done a wonderful job here on Earth. He has been enjoying a week of "forbidden" foods - Magnum loves chocolate and any food Connor has been sneaking him. :)

Without Mags, we would not have weathered the years of infertility. With him, we celebrated Connor coming home and the birth of Calista. He's been here through it all, licking my tears, leaning on me so I know he's there, and placing his paw on my heart every step of the way.

This journey is difficult. I keep going over the "why" in my head to validate that we are making the proper decision. Trying to make sense of it all. Trying to remember that I am trying to help my dog, not cause more pain. Now, as I type he is standing and whimpering. I know he hurts, we hurt too.

We have many loved ones in heaven. Family, friends and pets who have passed before us. I know there will be a special group up there to welcome Magnum, and I also know they will try to send some peace to Jeff and I. I know my Gramma, my Linda, my Dad's beloved lab Fred, our gray cat Max, will be part of Magnum's welcoming committee. I know he looks good with wings on. He's had them on his whole life, as he has been an angel here on Earth.

My dog has a soul, you can see it in his eyes. He will be going to heaven. His is all things good and pure. He will be missed, but his memory will live in my heart forever. Magnum, forgive me for any mean words I said when you pooped in the house, or chewed up a blanket. Forgive me for any wrong doing. Forgive me for doing what is "best."

I know you have as you licked my hand and rested your head on my lap.

I just wish my heart would catch up with what my brain knows is right for you.

Thank you for showing all who met you that Doberman's are great dogs, that you are not a sterotypical 'hound from hell.' In your 11 years you never bit a person, or caused harm to a human (other than stepping on our feet - and that HURTS!). You only showed love, never hate. You have been at my side everyday allowing me to trip over you many times, as you are the perfect definition of a velcro dog.

You are the best Pup-pup ever (just don't tell Higgins I said this)

Thank you for loving me Magnum, thank you for blessing me 11 years to spend with you.

Happy Memories of Mags: