"One Day, You can Celebrate too!"

For 8 years I heard someone utter that phrase to me. Kind, well meaning folks.  Just pray harder, relax more, stop worrying- you're fine. Then I started to dread it... Mother's Day.

I love my own Mother to bits. She rocks, really, she does. I do try to make her Mother's Days special.  Here's a picture of Mom and I on my wedding day.  Love you Mom!

September 23,2000

For Mother's day, Jeff and I would try to do sometime nice for each both of our mothers and step-moms.  But, during those 8 years of hell, someone, somewhere would whisper to me -"Your time will come."  When you feel so at the bottom of the barrel, without a glimmer of hope- those well intended words are the LAST THING YOU WANT TO HEAR.   

Then the well intended "Come Join our Mother's Day picnic." I'd then hear (with a nervous laugh), "Well, no babies for you yet, but you are your Doggies Momma!" And I'd be given a flower or some nice trinket.  I was in such a bad place, all that kindness, just felt like more salt in a never healing wound. No one knew, I put on my happy face, I gathered, I shared, I had fun. I did what was expected of me.  Funny, how you learn how to do that.  But, on the care ride home, the facade faded and the tears flowed. When the hell will it be my time? Will I ever get to celebrate this?!

Eventually, we stopped attending Mother's Day gatherings, I avoided church on Mother's Day. It was just too hard. I could not deal with the happy "stay positive" thoughts, nor could I deal with the fist to the stomach news of "Someone is expecting this Mother's Day!"

Who knew such a well intentioned holiday could arouse so much emotion. I wanted to celebrate my Mother, but at the same time, it reminded me of my failure. Failure to be able to grow a life and be a Mother.

God forbid you are in my old shoes dealing with your hell of infertility.  It's OK to cry and grieve for something you yearn for on Mother's Day. Unfortunately, there are plenty of us (infertility vets) out here willing to hold you in our arms and say, "It's OK, we've been there and survived.  You will overcome this, YOU WILL."

One day, my friend, you will celebrate this day. But, as joyful as you feel that your children are celebrating you, as their Mother and that you are celebrating your own Mother, many of us, still know that feeling or void that comes with this day. And most of us, at some point in the day will think of you.  You who are still waiting for your child. We will send you a prayer or a thought that your baby finds you, before this day rolls around again.
 
You will learn to celebrate this day. You will.

For those of you who cannot imagine infertility, take a look at this link.  Have a tissue handy. For those you you dealing wtih this disease, it's pretty intense, be warned if you have never viewed it before. 

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Borrowed from the Tears and Hope Website... 8+years later, I still makes me tear up... gentle hugs to all my friends...