Some Days I Suck

My Funny little man, posing with "Jez Moo-ma" (aka- Jesus' Mommy even though he initially called Mary -Paw-Paw). Then him being simply cute.

Finally, poor Little Guy fell and needed Mommy for a hug and to get the dirt off his hands "Dirt- Moo-ma, Dirt!"

How can I ever be mean to that little face? Worst Mom EVER! I suck.

Yep, I said it. Some days I go to bed, recapping my day and go, "Yep, I really screwed that up" or "Why did that bother me so much that I went all Mommy Dearest on Connor?" No, I do not (nor have I ever) beat my child with a wire (nor plastic) hanger. But, sometimes I feel I was just plan, MEAN. Like a Bully. Like Bully-Mommy. Don't listen to me? Mommy will bully you into listening. Act like a meanie? Mommy can be a meanie too. I'm glad I tap into my Italian roots, via acting like a MOB BOSS. Classy.

Then at night, or 5 minutes after I had my Mommy meltdown, the Mommy guilt comes in. How did my Great Aunt survive with 13 kids? Is 3+ the magic number when you just give? Damn, cuz at 2, I'm trying my best to keep them under control.

Ah, there it is CONTROL. Can we say, Momma has control issues? Momma is too type A for her own good? Crap, I suck. So, I was mean to Connor. I was, I regret it. Since moving to the toddler bed, we have been having lots of issues with him getting out, getting into things, etc. TYPICAL kid stuff, but for some reason it drives me bonkers. Most days I have the attitude of, "he's safe, he's not hurting himself or doing horrible damage; live and let live. It be OK." Eventually, he crawls into bed and falls asleep. I know this, it's near routine for me at nap time.

But, then came today. Connor remembered his stuffed otter, Ollie, made an awesome baseball bat. No harm, HOWEVER, he was swinging Ollie and his hard eyes right into his bed frame. No biggie, EXCEPT the 1 year old in the next bedroom, who woke from a sound sleep SCREAMING after a 45minute nap due to hearing the sound WACK, WACK, WACK - with every swing. Great.

Momma lost her cool and broke her rule and entered Connor's room. (FYI- the rule is we put him to bed then do not go back in, when we do it becomes a game of 'What can I do to get Mommy and Daddy in here.'). I yelled (cuz I suck) at him about waking up his sister, I put him in bed, took Ollie, and about 8 other stuffed animals. As I was having my meltdown, he laughed at me. In hind sight, it must have looked funny. Mommy all yelling and making ugly faces. So, I did what any non-rational thinking person would, I took out MORE TOYS. Yelled at him until he cried and I left. Go me, I can make a 2 year old cry. See I TOTALLY SUCK and I need to keep reading my Scream Free parenting book (oh the irony).

So, yeah, Poor little man cried until he fell asleep. Go me. I suck. The Guilt, The Horror. The, 'I suck as a Mom' feelings. Damn.

I found it important to step back and take stock of what I did. Obviously, I never hurt him physically, but words/yelling are the worst. And no, I did not use any ugly words I was just loud and used my mean Mommy voice. Oh, and that 1 year old, yeah totally awake now listening to me spout off like an idiot. So much for her falling back asleep.

What did I learn.

1. Keep to your rule, STAY OUT. Put him to bed and STAY OUT. TURN OFF THE BABY MONITOR HELICOPTER MOM!!!!

I need to let him be, by intervening I caused more problems for both of us. Had I left well enough alone, he would have gotten bored, CC would have fallen back asleep and Connor would have fallen asleep quickly after. STUPID ME!

2. He's only 2; not a rational person who knows the "WACK, WACK" will wake up CC.

Kim's he's 2- NOT A MINI-ADULT!!! He might be 'the oldest' but I'm not sure that really matters if you still can't drink from a cup without spilling or use the potty. He's still, basically, a baby.

3. I'm under a lot of work stress crap (oh, yeah more lay-off's this month- LOVELY- so awesome for morale!), that causes -let's all say it together- DISPLACED AGGRESSION. Go me, I yell at a little kid. YOU SUCK KIM!

This means, I need to simply take a step back, take a deep breath then decide what to do. If I need to go outside for 5 minutes to regroup - so be it. No kid has died from a stuffed Otter used as a bat (very creative I might add!), nor has a 1 year old died from only a 45 minute nap.

Now, I know some are reading this going, "worst Mom ever she prayed so hard for that baby and now has the gull to yell at him and act like an idiot." Dude, I'm human. I make mistakes like anyone else, my goal is to learn from them and do better tomorrow. Yes, I am crazy type A person who likes to control her environment and world around her, YES I have issues just letting things be. I AM TRYING. I am really a nice person, true and true, but for some reason this parenting thing is hard. It's really hard. Trying to learn when to step in and when to let it go is tough for me. So, where I am trying to "fix" Connor I might be breaking him.

So, see I suck. But, I will LEARN FROM IT, and do a hell of a lot better tomorrow. And being the list maker, Type A personality, I have a new list on my wall to read at nap time. Hopefully, this will help us all :)

PS- I am really reading a book called "Scream Free Parenting" and one called "Playful parenting" and also one titled "Raising Your Spirited Child." I never thought I'd ever read a parenting book, and now 3 are on my bedside table. Come hell or tired eyes, I will improve my parenting skills - that is while Jeff laughs at his crazy wife trying to learn how to parent via a book. Like learning how to swim via the Internet... It's the idea, right?!