Chemo #3

Chemo #3- or alternative title, Shit Got Real

This post will be filled with truth and probably a ton of profanities.  I did try to write it a couple days ago to make chemo #3 all up lifting and jolly.  How fun, a Chemo recap looking through rose colored glasses.  But, a day later and a few doughnut holes later, it's truth time.  The truth with cancer treatment is not pretty at ALL. Chemo sucks.

Breast Cancer is a weird thing.  I am now part of this weird cancer sisterhood. I have to share a couple quotes from a new friend, Adrienne, that I keep going back to.

"...I think you will find it's all okay in the name of getting to live.  If you just remember we are doing all of this so we don't die; it makes more sense."

"[My] Doctor said, 'There is nothing normal about Cancer.' He advised me to try and do my normal stuff, but not to forget I am forever changed."

Cancer has changed me, chemo has changed me.  Part of the changes will be temporary, but I know some will be a life long change I will carry with me.  Luckily, this stupid chemo mouth taste thing will go away with time, but since I can actually TASTE chocolate, that would be where those doughnut holes come in. PS- I am typically NOT a chocolate doughnut eater, this again, is the weird ass chemo side effects.  I do typically love water, but it tastes HORRIBLE, and smells are getting to me again.  It's like a bizarre pregnancy, I can't eat or drink, or deal with smells, and I'm gaining weight.  Comparing this to pregnancy, when this is all over, I will be birthing a life-- mine.  A new life, cancer free when I can live again and the memory of chemo will fade away, just like my new stretch marks.  

Right now, my life is modified.  Like Adrienne reminded me, I am doing all this chemo crap to LIVE.  I really want to live.  I am beyond lucky to have a treatable cancer.  I have learned since chemo #3, treatable does NOT mean easy.  There is a billboard on my way home from chemo and the oncologist office stating, "No treatment cancer is easy." None are easy, all treatments are different and sucky in their own ways.

Cancer treatment is damn hard.  Even with all the support, prayers and love (it does help a ton- I could NOT imagine doing this all alone), it's fricking hard. I am trying to be as "normal" as possible.  To me, my new normal is being able to run a 5K the day before chemo, but, 3 days after chemo, walking up a flight of stairs is like running a marathon.  My new normal is, for one week a month I can really TASTE foods, and enjoy life.  I feel myself one week a every 21 days, the other 14 days, honestly, I fake it.  Apparently, I fake it so well, my daughter never sees me as sick, she sees me as "Mommy is being lazy."

Only through the eyes of a sweet, well meaning, 6 year old, can I be called lazy.  She was frustrated that I would not get up to go play outside with her.  It was post chemo day 2, I was in energy conserving mode to make sure I would be able to attend her Christmas Concert.  She did not know.  She just wanted Mommy to play, and I wouldn't.  It's hard having these moments.  I really wonder in the future, what Connor and Calista will remember from all this.  I really hope they do not remember much.

I am still bouncing back from this chemo.  My mouth feels as if there is a film all around it, my tongue has sores and feels fat and heavy.  I debate everything I put in my mouth, it cannot be crunchy, or too acidic, or hard.  Doughnut holes are surprisingly soft to eat-  healthy NOPE, but at least I can taste those.  The downfall of those are, my stomach hates them.  TMI here, but, there has been a gastric issue I cannot quite shake, compliments of chemo number 3.  I am growing frustrated with feeling like blah.  I am desperately trying to get out of this, but the fatigue and frustration are eating away at my resolve.

Tuesday was ugly.  It was ugly enough that at 6:20am Jeff and I were terrified.  Luckily, that eventually passed and I spent the day on the couch.  Wednesday, I went back to work.  Smart idea? I'm not sure.  But, I am trying.  The cumulative effect of this treatment is a pain in my very social ass.  I know this will pass in a few days, it always does. But, right now, my port hurts.  I went in yesterday for blood work and fluids.  Now, Lucifer is angry.  My hips and back are killing me from the Nuelasta shot.  I'm tired of feeling tired, I'm crabby, and in general I'm tired of not feeling like me.  

I am doing all this to live, just like Adrienne reminds me.  It's not lost on me that not everyone lives with breast cancer.  I am a lucky one. I have a treatable cancer with great survival rates.  Knowing that, still does not mean chemo is going to get any easier.    I know it will get harder, and I will have harder days ahead.  

I will not give up, but I think it's okay to state, this shit is hard.  So far I've only hit on the physical aspect.  Emotionally and physiologically are totally other subjects.  I probably need a therapist, but whatever.  I am doing my self talk to allow my body to do what ever it needs the next few months to get through this.  I am giving myself permission to say, NO.  No is so hard for me.  I have been cancelling plans, and  I hate disappointing people.  Right now, my focus is on Jeff and the kids.  I want to use my energy for them.  So, please do not be upset if I say no, or have to cancel. I honestly cannot do it all.  Especially with Christmas a week away, I am terrified I am missing a gift or forgetting someone.  I know I am.  I have not had the energy to make my traditional breads, pizzelles, fudge or cookies.  I am hoping next week I will, but there are no guarantees.  

Bottom line, this is a post written by a lady who was smacked down by chemo 3.  I'm getting back up, just a lot slower than before.  I'm doing my best to do all things with grace and a smile, it's just getting harder. But, I can do hard. Three chemos down, three to go.  I'm ready.

In the words of Freddie Mercury:

"I'll face it with a grin

I'm never giving in

On, with the show."

-Queen

The Show Must Go On 

Bring on Chemo #4.