Momma in the Middle: Chemo #4- The recap....

December 30th was chemo round #4. Thankfully, it was MUCH nicer than the hell known as round 3. I had my friend, Kate accompany me to this round, my friend Heather stopped in to say hey, and after I thought about it for 15 minutes, my Uncle Dan drove me home.

Here is the weird thing for me. When looking back to the treatment, I remember Kate and Heather, but, I could NOT recall how I got home. This is like the third round where, a couple days after chemo, I simply cannot remember. As I have mentioned before, chemo brain is a damn frightening experience. I mean we all have lapses of memory, walking into a room and forgetting why, or driving and not paying attention and missing a turn. But, chemo brain for me starts on chemo day, then the fog lifts about a week later. Every day, things get clearer, but it really takes me a week to attempt to feel closer to myself.

Things I forgot that happened during chemo... Something is causing me to itch during treatment. We cannot decide which medication is causing this since it happened with Chemos 3 and 4. When the itch occurs, I win a second round of Benadryl!! Woo-hoo!!! All of my treatments begin with a nice basic cocktail of saline, Benadryl, pepcid, and a splash of antibiotics (I ask for vodka tonic with a twist of lime in there, but I guess that is Benadryls job). And we all know Benadryl either hypes you up, or knocks you out. For me, it knocks me into la-la-land. That is why I wonder if that second Benadryl is also messing with my memory, since it makes me high as a . Who knows, but if you see me on chemo day, don't be surprised if I totally and completely forget not what we talked about or that I even saw you. This also, gives you an out. You can mess with me and be like, "Don't you remember I saw you last treatment?!" Of course, I'll be polite and say, "Sure, you got me those peanut butter crackers to eat. Thanks again for that!" Yep, I'm a liar. (and really, my fav chemo snack has been, oyster crackers, dark chocolate acai blueberry (Brookside OR the ones I.B Back Fudge & Nut Hut are the best) or chocolate pecans (again, I.B. Back Fudge & Nut Hut).

ASIDE time....

First, let's note the fact, I do not care for nuts. Oddly, during this whole chemo crap, I have actually enjoyed nuts. I LOVE peanut butter, yet despise nuts. I hate nuts in food; if you want to keep me away from your brownies or cookies, add nuts to them. I will 100% avoid them, unless I am 100% desperate for a chocolate fix. Yes, I do not really snack on nuts, but there is the exception for macadamia nuts from Hawaii, but I only eat them while I am in Hawaii. OK if you go to the Big Island and bring me back a Donkey Ball, I'll eat that. During chemo, I have enjoyed nice soy and wasabi almonds and chocolate covered pecans. But, typically I am NOT a nut person. I totally tried to stock up at Festival of Lights on the I.B.Back Fudge & Nut Hut chocolate covered pecans (a nut exception). On a whim I grabbed a bag of the Dark Chocolate Aqui and Blueberries -- those are freaking awesome. The sad note, The Fudge and Nut Hut is closed until SummerFair. A total bummer. This is kind of a dumb aside, but at least I did get to type the words "Donkey Balls"- and that is fun for everyone. If you ever find yourself on the Big Island, I suggest Keoki's Surfin Ass for the best Donkey Balls.

Back to stupid chemo stuff, but I'd rather be typing more about Hawaii. ANYWAY...

The day after chemo, I had to go back in for my Nuelasta shot That guy and I have a serious love/hate going on. With the first few treatments, it caused a lot of hip and leg pain. This time, it has caused sternal pain (i.e. breast bone). I have to say, at first I pondered if I was having angina or a heart attack. I would walk up stairs and feel a serious tightness across my chest, the proverbial elephant on my chest feeling. Being an asthmatic, I can tell you, it was NOT asthma tightness, but different. I am so very concerned that chemo will adversely affect my heart. It is a known side effect of one of the drugs I take. I cannot fathom if chemo causes me long term heart damage, that will definitely cause an issue with running, and will totally piss me off. You can imagine, I am watching this very closely. I will give cancer my boobs, and chemo can temporary have my hair and my waistline, but none of this shit better mess with me long term. To quote an internet gem, "Ain't nobody got time for that." Today, I'm that nobody.

I have realized the that almost over-hydrating and getting supplemental fluids really helps.. This round, I went in for fluids on the day after chemo, 5 days after chemo (If you have ever watched Spongebob, I felt like a dehydrated Spongebob- i.e. kitchen sponge), and on Day 8 post chemo. I do believe these extra bolus boosts of fluids (and a bag of pepcid) really help me get over the hump. I had no idea I could ask for a does of pepcid. Chemo has caused me massive amounts of heartburn so, that dose of pepcid was awesome.

Me getting fluids! Notice I wear the same type of top to every chemo and fluid refill?!

The stupid thing is, I am finally figuring out how to help my body deal with chemo. By the time I get my correct recipe, it will be over (Thank Goodness!!). With my last two, I hope to make them as nice as I can to myself.

The thing that keeps sticking with me, which is totally dumb, is I cannot stand how much weight I have gained. I can lie and blame it all on the steroids. But, there MAY BE some ice cream involved. I have craved more sweets, than ever before. I really am trying to keep active, obviously, I'm failing as the scale creeps up and the running/walking miles decrease. Two sweet doctors have helped me blame the steriods on the weight gain. One even said I looked Steroid Fluffy, not fat. You have no idea how nice that sounded, LOL! The emotional side of experiencing chemo, early menopause (yep that too), and watching the scale climb is hard. I know my metabolism is completely messed up, heck my whole body is. Again, I know this. The science makes sense on why it is occurring; but it still pisses me off. Then add in my glasses, since chemo has made my eyes so dry it is near impossible to wear them. I feel like I'm going through a absurd version of puberty again. Oh and my head is breaking out from may hair regrowth. So, I have zits. Total puberty #2--maybe if Jeff is lucky, I might even get boy crazy :)

On the complete flip side. The kindness and generosity of all my friends and family is awesome. If you have sent me a card, a note, a package, donated to the 'keep Kim's house clean' fund, cooked us a meal, prayed for me, sent me a positive thought, watched Connor and Calsita, or just thought of me-- I thank you from the very bottom of my heart (the ADHD part of cancer/chemo has me very behind on thank you notes, I am trying my best!!!). Everything-- just makes me feel so loved and supported. I am so very blessed to have such a supportive circle of friends and family around me. That makes my day to day dealing with all this cancer/chemo BS that much easier.

Heather's Dad said it best that "Cancer builds a community." I am thankful for all of you who are part of my community, and part of my journey. I'm not sure what I would do without you all.

Chemo #5 -- Jan 21st. Two more chemos left (then 6 more Herceptin treatments, which the people say are no big deal), and 8 more days of feeling AWESOME!!!!