* If you don't know what "M/C, IVF, IF, Loss, PG ment" - you are a lucky one. For those who know, consider yourself warned.*
My name is Kim, and I am an infertility survivor. Infertile is something I will always be; medical books may attempt to disprove me (due to my beautiful miracle daughter). But, I still consider myself an infertile, yet one who is luckily (and thankfully) on "the other side."
This is infertility awareness week. I have been pondering, what can I say about this topic still. I can tell you how many of my friends are now on "the other side" of this, I can tell you how a few are months away from being on the other side. But, truthfully, this is my blog it's all about me, and my experiences. This is my truth.
I started treatments over 10 years ago, and I became a mother almost 5 years ago. Since becoming a Mother, I guess, the world thought I'd forget all about that pesky infertility stuff. I'm a Mom now, why worry about:
Others starting on Clomid?
Public Opinion: "You know that pill will make you have multiple births! I read that on the Internet somewhere."
Why worry about people doing IUI's?
Public Perception: "She had to put his "stuff" in a brown paper sack and the doctor put it in her, like using some turkey baster. During their LUNCH hour, can you believe it?
Why worry about people doing IVF?
Public Thoughts: "IVF, what's that isn't that what that octo-mom did? Or that lady on 20/20 who birthed the wrong baby?"
Why worry about couples who turn to donor eggs, or donor sperm or surrogacy?
Public Perception: "They really should look into adoption, it's so much easier."
I do still worry; each and every story I hear STILL pangs me in my heart. I will not lie, it's not such a visceral reaction, like it was 10 years ago, but, it is still there. Hearing an unexpected pregnancy, or how it can be so easy to the newly wed couple who planned to get PG their first year of marriage, still stabs a bit. More like a toothpick to the heart, which is much better than the pick-ax it used to be.
The point its, even when you are on the "other side" you never forget. Never. I remember the shots and the pain - both external and internal. The emotional turmoil of it all. Still, I cannot celebrate a the first weeks of pregnancy - infertility took that from me. In my head, I still know the statics. Have a good beta, let it double -- double check numbers with betabase. OK, Ultrasound, is there a sac? A pole? Is the sac empty? Oh a heart beat!!! Maybe two --- this --- this moment I can breath a bit easier for the expectant Mom.
When you've been on that dark side, you know, that heart beat is the key in the early days. Next ultrasound, heart beat stronger, GREAT!! Get you to 12 weeks... come on, 12 weeks... YIPPY!!! OK, I breathe a bit better, still thinking of stats, and of fellow IF survivors. Others who made it "this far." You then think of 15 weeks - to do an amnio or not? Genetic testing? Okay, OH 19 weeks, yes lets find gender and let me find that heart beat again.
For me, when I reached 25 weeks, I cried. I knew, 25 weeks is when viability can happen. On both sides of the coin, I can name babies who beat the odds and graduated the NICU, and others who are beautiful little angels. Yet, for me, I exhaled. At that point, the longer in, the better..... except for those few. Those few who made it to 25-36+weeks, who prepared for a birth, and came home to emptiness.
The birth, the LIVE birth, the healthy APGAR. Then, THEN I can exhale for the infertility survivor. You've made it to the "other side." You now get to parent this extraordinary child. YOUR child is special, we get that. You fought tooth and nail for him/her. Always wanted; always loved- before you were every conceived. YOU were what made us a family.
We know YOU are special, you are not like every other kid. Your story is NOT like every other Mom's PG and birthstory. You have a backstory, I have a picture of you when you were 8 cells big. Top that one playground Moms, while you were drunk in Mexico growing a life of eight cells, mine was in a petri dish waiting to be put back in the womb. We celebrated with Sprite, not Corona.
Even with your arms filled, you still feel the pang. The announcement of the surprise pregnancy, the "super fertile" couple, and the "planned for this" pregnancy. I can't lie, you still feel it. Five years of parenting two super awesome kids, I still feel it.
But, the one that hits you in the heart, and takes the breath from you, is a hearing a fellow sister filled your infertility shoes. She's the one who is now hearing the horrible advice...
"Just relax."
"Just get drunk on Boones farm and be wild in a pick-up truck."
"Infertile? Nah, you're fine, just keep trying. Did you hear so-and-so is pregnant?"
"Try cough syrup, I hear that helps."
"Have you elevated your hips and legs after yet?"
"Maybe you should lose some weight first?"
"Just stop worrying about it."
"It will be your turn soon."
"Maybe God doesn't think you supposed to be a parent."
"Maybe you should just adopt."
"Wow, you have it all. These kids are driving me crazy. Enjoy your child free life."
Sister, I'm sorry you are in my shoes. I'm even sorrier that well intentioned people are still passing on the same unhelpful advise. All you can do, is be kind to yourself, be kind to your mate, and try to find patience and faith you never knew was possible. The survivors "on the other side" are rooting for you; you might not know us, or our spouses, but we are rooting for you. May your journey be short and quick, and let's retire those shoes you filled.
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