As you can read, I give up some basic things. I've tried to do Lents with giving more back, or more volunteering, or just being a better person. As Lent approached this year, a few others eye opening events have also occurred.
I read a blog, about a lady who has gone 365 days without yelling at her children. A year. She has 4 children under 6. No yelling. Really.
I yell. I have yelled so much, I have felt this enormous guilt in my heart at night. It left me thinking, "What kind of mother yells at her child like I did and still expects them to love her and to give others love." Then I heard my two playing "house." They were yelling -- as part of the "Mommy" role. Eye opening to say the least. It was pretty well at that point, I knew I needed a change.
Like many things in my life, I even yell with moderation. Some days, weeks, things are fine, then I seem to fly off the proverbial handle. I have seen my children's faces as I have yelled. I swear I have even seen their little joyous soul die a little when Mommy was not at her best.
So, I'm making a change. Like anyone with a problem, I recognize the issue and I have GOT to do something about this. Ever really focus on when, why, and how you yell? I know there are a lot of non-yellers out there, how the heck did I get to be a yeller? I never dreamt I'd be the parent smiling through clinched teeth yelling at her child. That was always the parent I was never going to be.
Yet, here I am.
Using the thought of better late than never, I'm trying to fix me. Taking the time to really listen to my kids and my heart in moments when I want to yell. I planned on starting on Ash Wednesday. However, last Wednesday, I realized I went a day without yelling at my kids. Then was Thursday. Two days, great days. The kids had great mornings, more smiles, hugs and happiness. Friday was my test. Each child had their own respective meltdown. In typical Kim-ness, things would have ended in a yell and a door slammed with a crying child. Instead, made a choice to take the time, to help them work through their issue. It was not easy, no one wants to sit and hold a melting child who is super tired and just needs a nap. I just wanted to say, "Get in bed, you are tired take a nap." Nope, I took time with them to acknowledge their hurt feelings they experienced, we worked through their little emotions, and we wiped the tears away. Then, off to nap they went.
I was proud I kept it together.
Saturday and Sunday were fine, non-yellers. I did yell down the steps for them to hear me call them to get ready. I was really yelling FOR them not AT them. It's the AT them I want to stop. But, then, that night, I lost all my marbles any yelled towards, near and at Jeff. He's not my kid, so a technicality may have saved my record, but I yelled. It was LOUD, it was ugly, then it was over. Almost like I had held in too much and an implosion was near. Luckily Jeff has large shoulders and is aware of my tendencies to lose my crap. So, today might be a Day 1 re-do....
There it is for the world to see. I am a yeller. I need to make a change, and I am. I may need to stop and re-start this project a couple times. The beauty is I can. I am willing to make my change, I have the tools to help myself.
I hope to get two things out of this:
1. Some peace for me, less yelling can make me a lot more Zen.
2. A better relationship with CC and CJ.
3. Heck, maybe I'll even be a nicer wife to Jeff. I'm sure he'd LOVE that!
If you would like to read more about the Orange Rhino Project, check it out here: http://theorangerhino.com/
PS- Awesome pictures done by Hezlep Photography :)
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