Mommy is going to Church...

True Story of Events....

9:00am - Announce, "I am going to Church."

9:05am to 9:15am - Shower and in the words of Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence"

Exit shower to the calls of "Mommy help me get an outfit."  "Mommy, help me get my shirt off." "Mommy, help me get my pants on." "These socks feel weird."  "Can I wear your necklace?" (since we have two children, multiple all requests by two)

9:45am- Still in towel, not dressed, but now children are running a muck.  Husband jumps in shower.

Husband dressed and "encouraging" kids to get in the car now.  Time in 9:55

9:55am - Dressed, hair semi-blown dry, make-up, maybe some on?

Grab sippy cups and snacks while running out the door at 10:00am.  Again, last person in the car, but first person to start getting ready.

10:10am: We are late. Enter Church during first reading.  Go towards back of Church to find a pew without disturbing anyone. Child #1 decides he is finding us a seat, RUNS down center aisle.  Try to chase after child without chasing or creating too large of a spectacle.  Probably created a spectacle.  Child decides on pew #3 on the right side, surrounded by parishioners who were enjoying their silent prayer.  I apologize to them all as we rush to sit down.

Next 15minutes, child #1 has massive sneeze, turns to me snot running down his face.  I have no tissues, husband looks at me waiting for me to produce miracle tissues.  This is not Fatima, no miracles in my purse.  Husband and child #1 - with snot on hands, face and coat - walk down center aisle to get tissue from bathroom.  Child is silently crying due to snot mess.

Five seconds pass, child #2 whispers loudly, "I HAFTA GO POTTY."  Gospel is now being read.

I suggest to child #2 she hang on a moment.  She then needs held, but can't see the priest reading. She then proceeds to go boneless.  Holding limp Child #2 while Husband and Child #1 return.  Child #1 requests I-touch to play instead of listening to the Bible and homily.  Child #2 again states, "I HAFA GO POTTY NOW."  Husband looks at me, with look of pleading to take child #2.  I hand over boneless, limp Child #2 to husband.

I pray for 2 seconds.  Child #1 now has coughing fit, and refuses to use toilet paper tissues as they are not real tissues and "Can I have a snack now?!"

I lose track of mass.

Eventually, Husband returns with Child #2 as Child #1 is placing offering envelope in offering basket.  Child #2 is on brink of losing it; hand child I-phone to fend off meltdown.  Note, her bones are back.

Time for the Our Father.... Children 1 and 2 freak with electronics are pried from their little hands so we can pray as a family.  Say threat to children via clenched teeth about no electronics during the Lord's Prayer.

PEACE!  Hooray!!! Child #1 passes germs to God knows how many parishioners via peace.  But, on the other hand (ha-ha), I am sure we were also passed new germs.

Communion, Child #1 is ready to bolt down the aisle.  Child #2 wants to know what I am eating and can she get some too?

Child #1, "How many songs are left? My belly hurts! I wanna go home..." Whine, grumble, whine.

Child #2, "Where did Baby Jesus go? I WANNA SEE JESUS!!!"

Announcements...Oh, it's coffee and donut day...

Husband gives me look that if I suggest stopping for coffee or a donut I should find another ride home for me and the two children.

AMEN.

Leave pew, try to walk for car.  Child #1 decides to bolt again, this time chase him down.  Discuss not running in God's house. Get some holy water to make the sign of the cross to exit.  Child #1 shows his new found attempt of making the sign of the cross.  Child #2 places finger in holy water, licks it off, then goes for taste #2. Explain this is blessed water for the sign of the cross, not drinking water (in my head, all I can think of is how many germs did she just taste).

So much for finding peace at Church.  Return home to ditch kids and husband.... travel to Ikea, finally find a little peace among the laminate furniture I now get to go home and assemble.