I Am Worth It

There is a long back story to how I've gotten here, in this moment.  I'm going to do a quick Reader’s Digest version. I’ll begin with the downward spiral.  Well, it wasn't quite that dramatic, but it makes for good reading when you can make it seem the protagonist, has had some dramatic back story.  However, in this, I am the protagonist and the back story, well that is my life.  

More likely than not, if you are reading, you know me. Many of you really know me, a few of you know my more perfect Facebook version of me, a few may know me as a coach of your child, a few of you are in that close inner circle that truly know that crazy that is Kim.  Disclaimer time here:  This is me, likely my filter is off, and all the stories and opinions are my own. If you are squeamish or become twitterpated with four letter words, you may want to stop here.  I am here to type my truth as I know it.  Every few years, I turn these blogs into a book.  A little personal history so my kids can explain to their kids, who I was.  Let us begin....

My Dad passed away in December of 2019, before the word COVID was even a thing.  That hit me a lot harder than I expected.  I loved him, he loved me, Jeff, the kids.  All in all, he was a good Paw-Paw.  He instilled his love of fishing with us all.  Of course, there is more to that story, but I'm not ready for a full dive into that.  

As we all know in 2020...that was COVID...a very weird time.  Periodically, I would run/walk and do some online lifting with my trainer friend, Miranda.  I was as committed as any semi-committed person could be.  I was unable to visit my Mom in her facility, due to stupid COVID.  In 2020, we lost my Aunt Georgeann, that December her husband, my Uncle Paul.... and I lost the ability to see my Mom for fear I'd introduce COVID into the facility. We would talk on the phone, then one day the phone stopped ringing. Mom had COVID, but survived.  I would do window visits, and eventually in person. But the person I saw was not my Mom.  I would go visit, and she would just stare into space.  In the year of COVID, I lost my Mom. She was alive, but not living, or really interacting.  Literally, a shell of herself.  Out of the blue in July 2021, a guardian angel called me to say, there has been a change, something is not right.  Mom and I had two moments in the end of July when I knew she knew me.  The next weeks were a blur with hospice, having family visit... I just cannot type everything, yet. Mom passed in August 2021.  I was at the lowest of my low. I wallowed in the low for a bit. [Aside here, Mom now resides on my bookcase.  We talk daily.  It’s a HUGE comfort she is with me. I teased she was gonna be “Mom on a Mantel” like Elf on a Shelf.  Likely she hated my humor, with that comparison (I also considered “Nana on the Nightstand”) but I know I like her just being here.]  

By mid-August, I had two decisions, wallow in the shit or get my act together.  Right at this turning point, I received an email from my friend and trainer, Miranda.  FYI- this is not some push for M or her services, but this is my story and she (and my group) play a huge role.  Miranda was explaining to me this new program she was starting, a very personal group with mental training, physical training, check-ins, bi-weekly member meetings, one-on-one check in and accountability.  Not just "fitness" but the WHOLE person.  It's called Transform U.  

At this point in my life, I was pushing 200 pounds, eating junk, drinking more than I should, and just low.  The stereotypical drown the pain with food and alcohol.  I was still on tamoxifen, still fighting the effects of that stupid drug.  And I was just in a funk.  I reached out to M, the program was what I needed, but the price tag was my challenge.  I was dealing with all my personal stuff, an atrocious boss at work, everything was just a clusterfuck, and I was simply trying to hold it together and survive.  I'm sure on Facebook we still looked like a delightful family and perfect.  That was exactly what I was ready to portray, only Jeff really knew the truth behind the curtain. 

The more I considered that "price tag" which was holding me from committing to TU, the more I realized I pissed that amount away on amazon purchases, target trips, etc.  It was time to put that money to good use.   Finally, it was time to transform. I decided I was worth the investment, my health needed to be primary.  If I invested in me, to be a better Kim, I could be a better Kim all around.  This was for me.  Just me.  This change had the ability to impact everyone I love in the best way possible.   I had to.  My first journal entry...

August 18, 2021....Step 1- Be accountable.

So, I began.  I signed up for a 1/2 Marathon, and wrote out my training program.  I followed my TU group mental challenges, our daily gratitude journaling, nightly wins, and the very cathartic "write and burns."  I learned quickly that finding gratitude daily was easy but forgiving yourself for mistakes in the day or negative thoughts was difficult. Looking yourself in the eye, and telling yourself, "I love you" - much harder than I anticipated.   I worked the program.  I wrote myself a letter on why I decided to do this.  My big AH-HA of my letter is this statement, "Be the example." I want to be the example of what a strong, healthy, smart woman is.  I want my kids to look up to me, I want to be a good example for the kids I coach.  I want to live that life honesty and integrity.

I decided I was worth it and I needed to fight to be the best Kim I could be.  Step 1- Be Accountable.  I started with the 1/2 marathon training, added in some online lifting classes with M.  I began making a weekly plan and making it happen. I was accountable. Just a little progress each day.  The fitness portion was the easier part for me.  The other portion was, be a grown-up. Go to your 6month Oncologist appointment and call a plastic surgeon and discuss the foob issues.  YOU ARE WORTH IT, now pick up the phone.

1. At my routine oncology appointment, we weighed the pros and cons of staying on Tamoxifen.  For over 5 years I was on this drug and dealt with the side effects. Finally, we decided, based on the "calculations" my recurrence was low, I did my 5 years, and I stopped. The drug. The doc seemed “doubtful” all the side effects I felt were due to tamoxifen, but more due to being in my late 40s. 

2. I finally made an appointment to get my Foobs examined.  Since my last surgery (2016), I've had problems.  Everyone LOVES to tell me how nice they look.  That is great! They are pretty! But they are assholes!!! No one told me by saving my nipples, the ONLY sensation I would have is PAIN.  Imagine a spiderweb and your nipple is in the middle.  Every time I bent down to tie my shoes, the spiderweb would pull and cause pain. Turn too far one way, pull.  Constant, daily pain. I just dealt with it.  Besides the pain, the stupid nipples were always "ON."  I would tease they always were waving, "Hello" for all to see. The nipples were just an annoyance.  The real issue was my chest.

My implants were placed under my chest muscle.  This is simply how it was done in 2015/2016.  They moved my chest muscle and placed in a giant implant under it.  ANYTIME I used my chest muscle, the muscle would flex, flatten the implant and create this gross deformed chest.  This made me feel less than sexy during intimate moments.  If you watched me get out of a pool, by pushing up with my arms, you could see the massive defect.  Remember, the foobs were pretty and us cancer girls, well they just do the "Best" they can...I essentially surrendered to the fact little could be done about that, but I did know we could possibly fix the nipple issue.  I picked up the phone and made my appointment with Dr. Chin.  She was there for my previous surgeries but was still learning about the microsurgery for performing DIEP flap reconstructions.  

Dr. Chin confirmed we could fix the nipple thing, then asked about my defect animation (my chest deformity), and said, you know we can fix that. MIND BLOWN. She explained there are new techniques, and my chest muscle could go back to its intended position. Then I asked about removing the implants and using some of my belly fat to use for a DIEP Flap. Let's just say, being short, I don't have a lot of real estate between my foobs and hips.  We discussed a hybrid DIEP flap.  Some of me, and some implant help.  SIGN ME UP.  They would call me with a surgery date.

During my first three months of the “Kim is Worth It” journey... I've been working on mental and physical health, stopped a cancer drug, and decided to fix the foobs.  I cannot lie, I thought this was all a little vain, but I wanted it.

By December 2021, I had lost about 12 pounds. I worked out regularly, started cooking more at home, cut out lots of adult beverages... and felt great.  One morning I woke up, and it was the first time since 2016 I did not feel like the Tinman.  Every morning on tamoxifen, I was slow. It was hard to get up, hard to walk, hard to move.  But, that day, everything was different. And since that day, it's been different.  Again, I had no idea how shitty I felt, until that moment. Everything tamoxifen took away was back.  My joints felt so much better, I felt like a woman again...I saw a huge glimpse of Kim pre-cancer.  It was amazing. I had no idea how shitty I felt for all those years.  I was told, if I wanted to live a longer life, feeling like shit was my trade off.  Talk about quality of life. 

As a cancer survivor I was led to believe, if I wanted to live, I had to accept things. Daily pain, zero sex drive, painful intimate moments and weight gain from tamoxifen. I had to accept painful nipples, and a chest that looked pretty - but did not function properly.  I want to live, so I figured that I would deal with the shit to live. Not ONE doctor told me, this is temporary.  Medicine and technology advanced in six years.... it never dawned on me to just ask the questions. 

Once I decided I was WORTH IT, I started asking. My friend Amy, who I met in a chemo chair next to mine, told me early on to be my own advocate. I finally started advocating for myself. I AM WORTH IT, and this was how it started.