Masks

It's officially been 5 years since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  5 years.  And you know what, every single doctor's appointment is just as terrifying as it was, five years ago. 

On Wednesday, exactly 5 years to the DAY, I had my biopsy completed, I had my 6 month oncologist appointment.  Thanks to Covid... my 6 month appointment was actually a 10 month follow-up.  It's been a little nerve wracking waiting.  

But, on my way to the appointment, I started rummaging around the car for a face mask.  Which lead me to think... I've already placed on SO many masks this morning, what is one more.  

My first mask was for me.  The "I can do this" mask.  The one that leads me to believing in myself, and convincing myself that everything will be fine.  The mask that leads me to perform a LOT of deep breathing... good air in, stressed air out.  Good in, bad out... You can do this Kim, it's just another doctor's appointment.  Everything is FINE.  Oddly, the "I can do this mask," is almost an identical mask to, "Lying that everything is fine, and I am totally calm."

My next mask was, my "Lying that everything is fine, and I am totally calm."  I had that mask on for the kids.  They were not allowed to attend the appointment, so, like any good liar, I mean Mother, I gave them the, "This is nothing to worry about.  It's just my 6 month appointment where they check my blood.  No big deal."  (or so I told them).  Secretly, I shit bricks twice a year with this appointment.  I *think* everything is OK, but then again 5 years ago, I never thought the word cancer would be uttered.  

I can NEVER, EVER let on that I am nervous.  If I'm nervous, both kids will freak out.  Using my, "Mommy is calm, everything is fine" has lead me to doing all kinds of things that scare the shit out of me.  Some of the things are: going to the oncologist, picking up a frog without gloves, picking up a katy-did, acting like everything is totally fine when a dog bites off your thumb.... you get the idea.  I'm guessing every parent does this with their kids.  I have figured, my smile is a HUGE mask for me.  

Back to the story, I parked in the oncologist parking lot, I placed on my actual mask, gave myself the "you've got this, you are calm" lecture, and off I went.  What I learned is, using my breathing techniques in a face mask, almost leads to CO2 overload and near hyperventilation.  That was unexpected.  But, I kept on my, "I am calm," mask the entire appointment. 

For some reason, it always takes two days and a weekend, for my blood to post.  My lovely CBC stuff, and general other blood results, pop up in about 24 hours.  But, that CA 27-29 number ALWAYS makes me wait. I waited to type this, until I knew my number.  The goal is under 38.  This month, mine is 29.  My highest to prior to this is 25, so, I'm told NOT to be concerned.... I pretty sure I'm always concerned.  I'll just place on my, "Everything is fine," mask until February....

My actual Mask, and the results of 5 vials of blood being taken :)