It seems I get through my shit, by writing about it. That's not to say, in the past years I have not been through any shit, I just wasn't in a place to write about any of it.
But, here I am. Back in the thick of things, just like the rest of the world.
Let's see, the past almost 5 years, post cancer have been tough. Don't get me wrong, I slapped that smile on my face and moved forward. So much shit happened behind the scenes, I did not let anyone in during that time, except Jeff. He has been the one that has stood by me through it all. All the good, and the ugly. Trust me, there has been ugly. Well, and the kids.... sadly, they have also experienced the good and the ugly. How I wish I would have controlled some of my ugly better. I hope to Jesus they remember most of the good, and less of the ugly. Honestly, there were times I tried to drink and smoke my cancer away. I was so mad. Mad at my body for being an asshole, mad at God... I've spent a good part of 4-5 years, being mad, and looking to blame something, someone... But, there is no blame. Shit happens and it sucks, big time. At this point, I am blessed that all my family and friends stood with me, and helped me bear my demons. Trust me, you never saw that shit on Facebook, because, I only try to show the happy there.
I would say, it has taken me these past almost 5 years to heal myself, to find myself, and to be back to a symbalance of me. Well, more like Kim version 2.0 - with giant foobs. It's not been an easy road, and I certainly did not invite anyone on it, with me. Now, that I'm 45, I've begun to delevope this new sense of self. Crap, I even had on a two piece today at the pool. Trying to prove to myself that I am worth ALL my self esteme, and to help my daughter learn that no matter how you feel you look, you are always beautiful in your own skin. Sorry if anyone was offended, but damn it, this belly needs some SUNSHINE! My belly is not near as tight and taut as it once was, but she has been through her own hell. Bulemia, IVF drugs, pregnancy, mis-carriage, preganancy (again), birth, depression, anxiety, cancer drugs, BEER.... my God we have survived a lot. But, a friend made an off handed comment to me. I was looking online for bathing suits, and my comfort zone is a tankini with shorts. She popped in over my should and gave me a.... "Girrrrlllll, if I were you, I'd be showing off that body of yours and not hiding it!" Perspective. it was exactly what I needed. I am aware my perspective of myself is totally squewed.
Anywho.... It's time to start to write and post again. I need to do this for me. I have a TON of stories I need to write before they leave my brain. And, I want to write for Connor and CC. I want them to have a "diary" of their Mom's life. Even if it's crass and uncensored. I want them to know me. Since my Dad has passed, that is what bothers me the most. I feel like I never knew him. I knew him on the surface, but never really knew him. Maybe it's a regret of his? I don't know. But, I'd rather create yearly books of my ramblings for my kids, to instill in the fact they knew me, and I was one crazy ass lady.
I read some of your earlier blog and really enjoyed it. Look forward to reading more of your musings. Absolutely loved working with you and getting to know you even better thru your blog. You are my kind of woman, a strong woman! BTW, I feel the same way about my parents. When they are gone you keep thinking of questions you wish you had asked.....
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