While my cancer journey began in 2015, most of that year was pretty ok. It wasn't until my second chemo, in November 2015 when I really started feeling bad.
The holidays that year are a gigantic blur. Looking back, all I really remember was feeling like shit and trying to fake feeling good. No one wanted Cancer Girl to be Debbie Downer at their holiday party. So, I slapped on my smile and put one foot in front of the other.
One foot in front of the other, continued into 2016. Yes, once chemo was done, I did feel a little bit better each day. While herceptin was supposed to be "easy"- I still did not feel myself. Maybe it was because I was still in treatment? Could have been the drug? Maybe it was all in my head.
The 2016 holiday season, we had a blast. Going places, having fun and living each moment. Calista and I went to the Nutcracker with a few other Moms and daughters. I had a vivid memory of doing that in 2015; but I do not remember my daughter's reaction to seeing the ballet or any of the dancing. I remember feeling like hell, taking off my wig mid-ballet (because it itched) and taking out my contacts in the dark theater (because my eyes hurt so badly). I remember wearing a horrible outfit that made me look like a bag lady, because only things with elastic waist bands would fit. I felt bloated, and uncomfortable, and like hell. But, I did it.
I have no idea how I did it.
I've kind of impressed myself.
I look back at the photos during my treatment at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my Birthday.... I see the smile- but it was my mask. No one wanted to know how I really felt. So, I kept showing up, kept smiling and did my best to live through it all.
Finally--- I would say in mid-October 2016--- The cloud lifted. I truly felt joyful again. My smile became legit. I said no to so many things last year, because I felt like hell. I have started using YES a lot more. YES, we will do that; YES we will try that, YES I want to go do shots of moonshine!
Then a moment of reality hit me. My family went on an adventure to the Festival of Lights (at our Zoo) without me. I was returning home from a business trip. My kids went to visit Mrs. Claus-- their favorite. She remembers my kids, because we leave out a Miller Lite for Santa. I guess they are a little unforgettable with that tid-bit. According to Jeff, it was a nice visit.
Since I missed that outing, I drug my family back to the Festival of Lights at the Zoo 2 days later. Our first stop was Mrs. Claus. She saw me and gave me a hug and stated, "When I did not see you on Friday with your family...I was worried." I assured her I was doing well. But, there it was, that stupid cancer shadow.
The beginning of this post, I wrote in December 2016-- for some reason, I just could not post it. The reality of an acquaintance not seeing me with my family, and thinking I may have passed-- really hit me hard. Everything on this Breast Cancer Journey has been an eye opener, but that interaction was a horrible reminder, not all our friends fighting their battle make it out alive.
Here I am now in March 2017. I have two "tumor marker" tests under my belt. Although we are still waiting on results for test number two. I am trying to be all calm about it all, reminding myself that I have really done everything I can to control that number, and my body-- well, it's up to it to decide if it wants to be cancer free. My follow-up with the Oncologist yesterday, was good. We had a long discussion about where to look if my cancer was to return-- I need to check my chest wall and lymph nodes. We discussed why to keep my ovaries (better bone density, keep me from full fledged menopause and all those side effects-- even though I did that once with a chemo induced menopause), and why to keep my uterus (pelvic floor stability). I go today for an ultrasound to check out my inner lady parts. I have a history of uterine polyps and fibroids. Why does that matter with breast cancer? Well, the drug I am on, tamoxifen, has many side effects. Luckily, I am a person that only seems to bitch about one-- weight gain. In the grand scheme of things, that is petty, but it really pisses me off. Another, side effect is increased chance of uterine cancer and increased growth of polyps/fibroids. LOVELY! So, this is why we are going to get the old Ute checked out. Secretly, I think my body just missed all my "dates" with the dildo-scope. It's been at least 8 years since my last visit with that ultrasound "wand." Time will tell how that all pans out. For now, I wait.
Re-reading the beginning of this post, I am still saying "YES" to more, and "No" to things I just do not want to do. It's not that I am being selfish, it's more of a refocusing my life and what is important. I am saying "yes" to me more. I am training for the full Flying Pig Marathon (with my fabulous Neighbor Chellee). Jeff has been a Saint parenting the children while I go off and run 15 miles (and more to come). An aside, they use "find my phone" to track where I am. So, I get cute texts from them.
Basically, I'm still trying to make up for those months of hell. My laundry may sit a little longer, my house might be a little messier, my kids may need more showers... but, even with all that, we are having fun, enjoying life and enjoying each other.
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