Oversharing Since 2007, why stop now?

I started this blog in 2007 as an online diary for family to follow our progress through our second IVF cycle.  It was all documented.  The road block (uterine polyp and had to stop the cycle), the daily injections, the positive PG test, and then when things went to hell in a hand basket with a blighted ovum.  All of it, the feelings and the information is all poured thoughout this blog.

During our adoption, I did not blog much. I felt we were in such an emotional roller coaster, it was difficult to find the words to describe.  When I became pregnant, it was difficult, again, to blog. I kept waiting for the floor to drop out from under me at any point in time.  I was not sure the pregnancy was as text book as it appeared.  Luckily, I just blogged about being a new Mom, and posting pictures of my newborn son, then eventually my daughter. 

Silly pictures and stories are my thing.  I do not use my corner of the web to spew hate or opinions on controversial things.  I try to keep it light and fun, and I use it as a diary for me and the kids.  I just let a few voyeurs in for the fun of it.  We all need a break to read something silly during work.

Periodically bad things happen.

I made it a point to remain silent last year regarding my Mom's brain surgery and Deep Brain Stimulation surgery.  One day, I will come back to it all.

But, right now. At this point in my life, I feel this news needs to be shared. I feel my process needs to be overshared.  I know for me, writing on this stupid little blog is such a catharsis, I have to journal this. The kids are young and I hope to GOD they do not remember much of the journey I am about to embark on.

Here goes.

I have Cancer.

I have breast cancer.

I have 2 types of breast cancer, because I am special.  If you know me, and my body, it's not going to do things half way. It's going to be special.

Thankfully, it's not that special, and luckily initial findings seems like at least it's a good Cancer.  Let's talk about how the hell this all came about.

In January I turned 40. I knew I needed a baseline mammogram.  Like any good procrastinator, I put it off.  Then a Mom at school, younger than me, had a double mastectomy. I figured it was time to get the ball rolling. On August 3rd, I had my routine Mammo done. No biggy.  If I can get checked with the "internal ultrasound" (i.e. dildo scope) for years on end to see if I was ovulating, the mammo was a piece of cake.  I had a mammo back in 2000, but those films are long lost in a medical black hole. The issue in 2000 ended up as a benign tumor and lumpectomy was my surgery. 

I got the call August 5th. My right breast was abnormal, they see a little calcification, can I go in for a more in depth mammo.  Sure.  Next up, August 7th, a fancier mammo and I will leave with results this day.  I expected to get, Oh it's normal weirdness, follow up in 6 months. Nope. Instead I get:

Tech: "Did someone come with you."
(Clue #1 shit is not good)
Me: "Nope."
Tech: "Well, let me walk back with you...."
Cue Radiologist in a dark room looking at my images, and I see the salt - calcifications.  My, Dr. Google degree told me this is possible DCIS, not a bad thing, but not a good thing. 
Me (internal dialog): "Shit."
Tech: "The radiologist recommends a very easy procedure called a Sterotatic Core Biopsy. It's no big deal, and you can go back to work! Only a small nick and a little lidocaine. You will not feel a thing.

LIAR

Fast forward to August 11th.  The same day my Mom had her brain surgery a year ago.  I should have known this was going to sideways.  Jeff came with me. I was calm, no biggie, little incision, put the tube in take a sample. Bing- bam-boom DONE.

Apparently, Tylenol is stronger then lidocaine.  The ONLY part of this procedure I did not feel was the little nick. Every other jab, poke, pull, tear, twist and suck of the biopsy I felt. All 8 samples. Then came the easy part, they put in a small little marker so they know where the biopsy was taken from.  The word in my head I cannot even type. It felt like a red hot poker being shoved in my breast and I was pretty certain my nipple flew off my body and was flopping on the floor like a fish out of water.  Mother Mary.  It was NOT painless. It ranks up there with the "painless" HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) with contrast. Common factor, both performed by male doctors, folks without a uterus or breasts.  How can they know how it feels? Let me tell you- it all feels physically painful, and the emotions of it all are overwhelming.

Sample #7 was the one, they got the stuff.  We were done. They gave me a Band-Aid and a teeny ice pack. I should hear results on in a couple of business days, that would be Thursday.  I got out of there as fast I could.  The techs felt horrible and told me it was "never like that."  Sure...

Thursday, was CC's birthday. No call.

Friday, I called, no information.

Friday at 4pm, I received a call. The pathology report was not back.  The lab was running more stains on my sample and having another pathologist examine it.  Damn it.  Just tell me the friggin' lab is backed up. All weekend, it was me and Dr. Google, and handful of people telling me it was 'ok' and 'normal.'

Then came Monday. CC had birthday money burning a hole in her pocket and, well, the kid needed underwear.  A trip to Target was required. 

It was a typical Target trip, until I got to the pineapple on the list. I was looking for pineapple tid-bits, as I am searching my phone rang. The number was the doctor. Shit.

Doc: "Mrs. Howell?"
Me: "Yes"
Doc: "Your sample showed Cancer."

Like in the movies, time stopped. My chest tightened. This is bull shit. I am just looking for damn pineapple tid-bits, not Cancer.

We quickly check out. CC knows something is up, but has no clue.  In my head I am thinking, How do I even tell Jeff? Our Family? Our Friends? My kids?

Next thought/prayer, Dear God, please let it be a good Cancer.

I get the number to new doctor. A fancy Breast Cancer Oncologist. She gets me in the next day. 

All I can think is, Wow, another medical professional looking at my lady parts for money.  I have paid a lot of people in the last 15 years of marriage to look at lady parts.  This is so not right.

We meet with the nice Doctor.  She is kind, nice and friendly. Jeff and I feel at ease.  After the initial exam, she takes over an hour to explain her findings and answer all my questions.

Type of Cancers in Kim's Stupid Boob:
Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Ductal Carcinoma In Situ

This means, the cells in my milk ducts mutated to be cancer cells, then they decided to break the wall of the milk duct and go into the breast.  We are thinking it is about 4 mm -- SMALL. But a MRI will tell more.  My tissue is very dense so it's crazy difficult to actually see the spot properly on the mammo. 

But, how do I explain this? Well, not so eloquently...

My Boob is stupid. The cells in the milk duct decided to be asshats and mutate to be cancer.  Then the asshats decided to be fucknuts and break the wall of the milk duct and spread.  My Boob is a jerk. Probably if it had another Martini and I stopped trying to be all healthy running and stuff, it might be chilling as a normal boob, but no. It's a Jerk. Also, I want to flip the finger to the scientist that told me breast feeding would lower my chance of breast cancer, YOU ARE MISTAKEN.

So what the hell does this mean?

Well, like Ms. Jolie, I got tested for any genetic factors that may contribute to this. RESULTS NOT IN. Also, I have NO family history of breast cancer. 

I need that MRI to see if it has spread into the lymph nodes -- Still Unknown.

Tentative Treatment Options:
1. Lumpectomy with removal of the first layer of lymph nodes. Follow-up radiation and hormone blocking therapy.
2. Double Mastectomy, with reconstruction followed up with hormone blocking therapy.

Success Rates:
Both are very similar.  Obviously, neither can account for another cancer to occur else where.

At this point, we need to wait for the other results to weight in.  The choices are on each end of the spectrum.  Hour by hour, my opinion on my choice of treatment is swayed. 

All in all, I feel FINE.  My boob is stupid, and I need more information to make the best informed decision ever.

In keeping with my oversharing nature, THAT is what is going on right now. Never a frigging dull moment.  But, if my life decides to get dull, I am pretty damn sure I will welcome it, and find a way to blog about it.

But, for now, Breast Cancer is the topic. Looks like we are all going to learn a lot about this subject in a short time period.

Since many of my lady friends are at the 40 mark this year with me -- GO GET YOUR MAMMO!!!The tumor I have is SO small it could NOT be felt.  I could only be found on the mammo. So, thankfully this was caught very early!!!

Thanks for reading, and hopefully we can laugh and smile a lot on this journey on how I am going to kick the shit out of the asshat and fucknut cells in my boob. (Apparently, Cancer has given me a potty mouth-LOL!!!)