Thanks for everyone and their super positive response to my post last week. You can imagine (and trust me I hope cancer and infertility and other ugly things only live in your imagination) I am so overwhelmed with the support, love and positivity that I have been surrounded with! Thank you kind friends!!! I promise, I will TRY to accept help. As one who steps in to help where I can, it is so easy to give help, but very difficult to receive it. As a few kind ladies explained to me, not accepting their open invitation was denying them joy of being able to help me and my family.
Well, hell, I'm not denying anyone their joy!!!
The big question, "how are you?" Thus far, I'm hanging in there, waiting for all the pieces of the puzzle to fall into place. I have noticed when I say the word "CANCER" it freaks people out. Heck, it made me pause when I choose to type about it. However, in the spirit of "he-who-cannot-be-named" I went all Harry Potter on cancer. It is a word, it's a part of me, and also, like Mr. Potter, this scary thing will most likely give me scars. If I am lucky, it may look like an awesome lightening bolt, but that is yet to be determined. If young Harry can say the word Voldemort without fear, then I can do that with cancer. I am all big, and bad and brave.... until I feel like I am going to vomit. Like when, I see my "Crush Cancer" t-shirt in my t-shirt drawer. That makes my breath catch. Or when people are talking about planning the new "Crush Cancer" fundraiser for football. Something about hearing others say the word stabs me in the heart, and makes me feel out of control with all this. I'm ready to hide my head in the sand to try and forget anything is happening.
With infertility, I was fine with my story and telling/owing my story. But, when others tell me their story, it just cut to my heart. Infertility is not fair, and cancer is not fair. I said years ago that Jeff and I were dealt the infertility hand because we were strong enough to overcome it and educate others. I feel the same way with cancer. But, this is still new and raw and I'm still working on my ownership. While I look all big and strong and smiley on the outside, there have been a few moments where I have cracked. I can't lie, it is NOT all rainbow and unicorns looking into the great unknown.
The second question I get is, "Do your kids know?" Well, this is a funny story, because apparently having a studied and researched the human body for years.... I did not pass along my knowledge of proper anatomical terms.
After Jeff and I had told family and friends, I knew the kids were hearing bits an pieces. Me being me, again I had to control how they heard the information. I figured it was best that they hear age appropriate information on what is going on with me. Like all good, important conversations, it took place in the car.
I look back at the kids.....
Me: "I feel I need to tell you all what is going on. Do you know what a breast is?"
Kids [heads cocked like a dog, looking at me with blank faces]: "No? What is that?"
Me: "OK, let's try again. Do you know what a boobie is?"
Kids: "Of course."
Me [acknowledging parenting fail]: "Well, Mommy has been going to the doctor because she has a sick boobie."
CJ: "Does it have a cold?"
Me: "Not really."
CC: "Poor boobie, can I kiss it?"
Me: "ummm....no.'
Kids: "OK, so you have a sick boobie."
Me: "Yes, and the doctor is going to help me get it better."
And that was the end of the story.
However, let it be known, my kids seem to think my bra is breasts, and Connor has actually called my breasts, lungs. I'm not sure they know 100% which part is sick, but somewhere between my lungs and bra is the general vicinity. Close enough.
Tonight is the big MRI. I get to lay topless in a tube for 45 minutes listening to "click, click, bang." Should be a ton of fun. At least MRI's are PAINLESS and just the table is uncomfortable. I'm unsure when results will come in, but if you could spare a prayer, pray that the cancer has not spread into my lymph nodes or anywhere else, I'd really appreciate it. Positive thoughts that the asshats and f-nut cells are just in the one location!!!
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