My Story, Part 1

OK, I said I was going to do it. I want to write my story, with all my crappy grammar, mis-spellings, run-on and not sentence sentences. This will be an English Teacher’s nightmare. But you know, for me, it will be cathartic and really good for my soul. So, during the change of seasons, I’ve been cleaning out our closets. And now it’s time to be a little introspective and clean out my soul a little as well :)

Warning- Infertility, Pregnancy and Loss mentioned – Read at your own Risk.

I remember my wedding day in 2000, there is a memory from that day that would haunt me for years to come. We had your classic hour long Catholic ceremony, on the most HUMID day in September in a church packed with 250 people, that fit 250 and did I mention no air conditioning? Yeah, people were warm to say the least. The time came to say our vows, the priest asked us to answer “I will” after his statements. When the priest got to the part about, “Will you accept children lovingly into your family?” I remember doing an internal eye roll and saying, “I Will.” But at that time I was not ready. I did not want kids and was unsure I ever wanted children. For years after I had those thoughts while up at that alter, I felt God was getting me back.

Now, lets go up to 2001, right after our first anniversary, my step-mother passed away. We realized how precious life was and we decided, “Let’s start a family.” Like most couples, we told our families we were trying. Also, like most couples, we figured we’d be pregnant in no time. We were 26 and 27, so fertility issues – doubtful. Then nothing happened. Months went by and nothing. I visited the doctor and he suggested we try a year before we try any “intervention.” Once a year passed and nothing, we scheduled the routine tests, which all turned out fine. He simply suggested we try more often.

Let’s just say, soon after, I changed doctors. We were in Disney the first time I tried a clomid cycle. Seriously, all the kids at Disney, plus clomid, if that doesn’t stimulate anything, nothing will. Hell, we even had 3 days at sea, trapped on a Disney cruise. There were kids surrounding us (mind you we did spend 99% of our time at the ESPN zone away from kids, but near the beer). Yep, nothing. Nothing the cycle after that, or the cycle after that. Hmm…. Let’s try artificial insemination with clomid; there is not a thing “wrong” with us so why not?

During our clomid and insemination cycles, I took a new job that had me traveling all around the country. So, I remember being on a bus taking me to a rental car depot in Chicago, scheduling an insemination. Let’s just say, 3 cycles and nothing again. I heard I had a tight cervix, hence a delightful cervix dilation procedure. By this time, 4 years had passed.

In those 4 years we had lots of people giving us advice…

“Relax, you’re thinking too much.”

“Go get drunk and do it in the back of a Chevy.”

“When it’s ready to happen it will happen.”

“Keep praying, God will bless you with a family.”

“You just need to relax and stop trying so hard.”

“Just relax and try some clomid…”

Everyone meant well with their advice, but if we had a dollar for all the people that told me to relax, we’d have a lovely beach house in Hawaii.

By this time, people with babies made me feel beyond jealous, I was envious. A child was something I coveted, something I could not make happen. Honestly, in my life I got everything I ever wanted. No, it was not all simply handed to me, I worked for it. Damn it, I have been working for a child for 3 years by now. What are we doing wrong? Oh my God, God is getting back at me for not wanting children when I got married. Oh crap, I am so screwed.

After the inseminations failed, our doctor suggested an infertility doctor (i.e. a Reproductive Endocrinologist for those of you looking for a GREAT major in Med School that pays AWESOME). Of course, an infertility doctor! He can fix us! We had a lovely consultation where the doctor assured us we should be pregnant by Christmas; however, I needed to have a “clean out” surgery. After surgery, we thought we’d try on our own. I mean I had all new girlie parts. All shiney and new and ready for a baby. Still nothing….

October 2004, our first injectable cycle with insemination. We knew this would work. Nope, nope and nope. Seriously, what the heck are we doing wrong??? Lots of people around us are working on their second and third child. I had pretty well stopped attending baby showers or anything that had to do with babies. TV show with babies or birth struck a nerve. I was jealous, frustrated and simply angry. So, very angry! We are good people, with good jobs, we have our stuff together, we are ready. Seriously, any time. We are READY!!!

There was cycle #2 around Thanksgiving – nada, then cycle #3. Cycle #3 delightfully coincided with Christmas. During our 2ww (2 week wait for those not in the know), I was crying at Paula Dean getting tickets to Paris and equally crying when WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) went to visit the troops. There I was bawling as these grown men wrestled to entertain our troops. HEART WRENCHING SOBS. Hmmm, hyper emotions, it must have worked. Right? Wrong. Merry Christmas to Kim, here is your monthly visitor. Depressed, angry and pissed on Jesus’ birthday, delightful. At that point I said I need a break as Jeff was looking for a safe house from his hopped up on horror-mones, crazy wife. Yes, a break, please give that girl a beer.

After a few months break, we go back again to our infertility doctor. He is doing a new study with a product called “Invocell.” It’s basic IVF, except instead of the sperm and egg living in a petri dish to fertilize, they will go into this device that is then inserted into me! A free IVF cycle sign me up! Although we did end up having a few thousand out of pocket. Here we go, sperm and egg sequestered together for 3 days and they cannot escape, surly we will have some fertilized. 1 we had 1, 2-celled embryo. Needless to say the cycle did not work. We were heart broken. Again, let’s have a break.

By now, friends are having baby #3, people who we knew were too young to parent were pregnant. Pregnant people and babies were all around us, it was hard. Now, we needed a game plan. We needed money to cycle again, but where do you get that cash? Answer a home equity loan. The only “money” we had was tied up in the house. We knew it was a gamble, but when you want to be a parent and you cannot – you will literally do anything. By that point I was pondering finding a nice child at Target and ever so nicely walking out with it. When you are placed in such a desperate situation that is so out of control, you think these thoughts. You also begin to separate yourself from friends and family. I know I did not go to a baby shower for years – it was too hard. I remember one shower I attended had me in a funk for days. No ones fault, it was just the overwhelming emotion of “When the hell will it be my turn? What are we doing wrong?” WHY?????

Let’s welcome in 2007. Little did I know this year would be a MAJOR turning point in Jeff and my life. This year we were tested as a couple and as individuals. Reliving this one is tough.

2007 started off again as a year of hope. We decided to cycle again, yeah IVF #2. This was also the year I started this blog. I figured it would be a great way to keep family and friends in the loop. With the blog I could do updates and address questions that people had. It could be an education on IVF. I started out with trying acupuncture. Studies had shown that acupuncture can help make the body more inviting for a positive IVF cycle. Again, this was something I could control to help my body- BRING ON THE NEEDLES!!!

WAIT- HOLD UP- Right as this cycle began it was stopped. It was discovered I had an Uterine Polyp – OMG?! Is this why we can’t get pregnant? Well, before we go forward, lets get that removed and healed and let’s cycle again!!!!!!

By now, it’s April. I was ready to be as fertile as a bunny. It was spring, I was ready. Jeff and I were in full positive thought mode, we were a team. Screw you infertility we are about to kick you in the jimmy. We are gonna do it! Go Team Howell!

Shots, egg retrieval, embryo transfer….now wait…. (for details please read the archives)

And Wait….

Hey look at me taking a pregnancy test… HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT SAYS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It worked. Finally. We did blood work, everything looked awesome. Ultrasound at 4 weeks was great, ultrasound at 6 weeks looked Ok, but lets see you back at 8 weeks.

Between weeks 6 and 8 operation – MUST BUY A LARGER HOUSE- went into full swing. On June 13^th we put a bid in on the house. By June 24^th the bid was accepted AND we had the house inspected.

June 27^th we had our ultrasound. June 27^th also would have been my step-mom’s birthday. On June 27^th, 2007 was the day we found out our pregnancy was not viable. June 27^th, 2007 was the day that the floor fell from under Jeff and I. That day and the days following were my worst days ever. I never want to feel or be as numb as I was during that time. After the d and c, I was trapped in a body who still *thought* it was pregnant. My body, my mind and my soul were all at war. I honestly never felt as alone, defective, or broken as I had. I was really very broken and the only person who could put me back together was me, providing I had the strength to do it.

July 4^th, 2007 – some may call it synchronicity; some may call it an answered silent prayer. Occasionally, you find yourself in the right place at the right time. On July 4^th, Jeff and I went to our local 4^th of July parade. Nothing mind blowing about that, but then drove by a little mini-van with purple writing. It read, Grace Yoga. 943 –XXXX. Yoga, you know I always wanted to do yoga. Maybe it’s time I did something for ME. Hell, it IS time I did something for Kim. I seemed to have lost myself and my identity with this infertility diagnosis and treatment. Let’s see if we can find Kim…

Let’s stop there, I promise the rest of this story will be awesome.