Pre-Chemo Blues

Years ago, my job was to travel around the country training hospitals, Doctor's offices, colleges, fitness clubs, and anyone who wanted a pulmonary function or cardiopulmonary stress machine how to use my product.  I was a trainer for the products I currently support at home. So, 5 days a week I was in and out of airports, offices, etc, always traveling and training.  I was able to keep this up for about 3 years before I was totally burned out on travel.  I saw some kick ass parts of the country, and some scary places as well.

Some days, I miss it.  I miss feeling like a jet settings adult, dressing like a professional, educating people how to properly use medical equipment.  Some days, I miss the travel.  I know Jeff and I both miss all the Delta and Hilton points I had acquired allowing us to take some awesome trips.  Once, I stopped traveling weekly, I developed an odd condition.

I don't know if it has a formal name, but now my friend Scott and I refer to it as travel anxiety.  Where you worry about travel the days leading up to leaving.  Work travel is no longer fun.  It brings me major anxiety, especially now with the kids.  Is laundry done? Does everyone know their sports schedules? Does anyone know the song to sing to CC if she had issues?!  Is Jeff going to let them live on McDonald's all week? Some worries are serious, others are nonsensical.  Obviously with my issues, I have missed a few travel trips.

I would say I now have chemo anxiety.  

I feel so good right now.  Like really good. I am on top of things, my brain seems to be back in normal functioning order.  I am able to concentrate on work and I can parent properly. I feel so good, I really just want to skip chemo so I can continue to feel good. I am kind of pissed that it's coming up.  It really, really sucks.  I feel like an angry teenager. Or like on Sunday night when you know Monday is the next day and you have to return to work.  I am dreading chemo, like I dread some Mondays.  It's a necessary evil.

I don't want to take my steroids tomorrow.  They make me angry and mean, hungry and fluffy.  I do not want to feel those things.

I don't want to sit for 5 hours while poison pours into me.  It makes me itch, it makes me tired, and bitchy, and cranky, exhausted, and pissy, and it makes my mouth hurt, and makes me spiral down to just feel super bad.  The thought of chemo makes me write grammatically incorrect sentence structure.  Major run-on sentences with lots of "ands" in them. Chemo and steroids will make yell at the kids, Jeff, or anyone in my area; it makes my temper very short. I get mean. I hate what it does to me.

I don't want that nuelasta shot.  It makes my bones hurt and I feel 100 years old.

I don't want do this BS any more.  I feel good; I want to keep feeling good. I don't want the spiral to start.  I just don't.  

So, yes, I have pre-chemo anxiety.

Like with travel anxiety, I will suck it up.  I will go on Thursday.  I have my game plan to try to make things NOT suck as much.  

This is just annoying; Cancer treatment is really just pissing me off.

But, I have to be thankful in this hell and cesspool known as cancer and chemo.  My cancer is treatable.  I should *only* have to deal with 6 chemos and 12 herceptins.  My cancer has a treatment plan, and it's one that works pretty well.  I know I was at least blessed with a *nice* cancer.  I can't complain.  I know too many people, in fact two last week, who passed away due to their asshole cancer (I'm not talking about Hollywood stars).  Their two different rare cancers that did NOT have a known treatment option. Two families are absolutely devastated due to the evil of cancer.  Cancer sucks on so many levels.  

Cancer devastates families, and here I am complaining.

Cancer sucks.

Chemo sucks.

But, I feel I cannot complain. I'm not dealing with the vomit until you weight 60 pounds chemo.  The demonic chemo of the past.  I dealing with nicer chemo.  Luckily, I have not had really bad chemo responses.  It's hard to look at the sunny side.  I just really want my cancer free life back.  I bet most cancer patients and families say the same damn thing.

I want my smile back - without a puffy face.

I want my hair back.

I want my waistline back.

I want my brain and weird thought process back.

I want my eyes back to normal so I can wear my contacts.

I want me back.

I want to not focus on the negative.  But, with chemo #5 knocking on my door and I feel so good, it's hard not to let the darkness in.

Cancer has brought me new very close friends.  It has brought a new appreciation for life, and family. It has brought me a new appreciation for all my friends and family that lift me up when I feel physically and mentally down.  Cancer has created this new version of Kim,  I know I will be changed forever by it.  I will never have "old" Kim back.  She is a memory.  I am different. Things will never be how they were prior to August 2015.  I am changed.  Jeff and the kids are changed.  

I guess change is okay.  But, cancer still sucks and I hate it.  

Vent over.  Time to get back to getting the house in order and creating play costumes for the kids.  Time to get back to my new normal.  Time to prepare for chemo 5.  

Chemo #4- The recap....

December 30th was chemo round #4.  Thankfully, it was MUCH nicer than the hell known as round 3.   I had my friend, Kate accompany me to this round, my friend Heather stopped in to say hey, and after I thought about it for 15 minutes, my Uncle Dan drove me home.

Here is the weird thing for me.  When looking back to the treatment, I remember Kate and Heather, but, I could NOT recall how I got home.  This is like the third round where, a couple days after chemo, I  simply cannot remember.  As I have mentioned before, chemo brain is a damn frightening experience.  I mean we all have lapses of memory, walking into a room and forgetting why, or driving and not paying attention and missing a turn.  But, chemo brain for me starts on chemo day, then the fog lifts about a week later.  Every day, things get clearer, but it really takes me a week to attempt to feel closer to myself.

Things I forgot that happened during chemo... Something is causing me to itch during treatment.  We cannot decide which medication is causing this since it happened with Chemos 3 and 4.  When the itch occurs, I win a second round of Benadryl!! Woo-hoo!!!   All of my treatments begin with a nice basic cocktail of saline, Benadryl, pepcid, and a splash of antibiotics (I ask for vodka tonic with a twist of lime in there, but I guess that is Benadryls job). And we all know Benadryl either hypes you up, or knocks you out.  For me, it knocks me into la-la-land.  That is why I wonder if that second Benadryl is also messing with my memory, since it makes me high as a .  Who knows, but if you see me on chemo day, don't be surprised if I totally and completely forget not what we talked about or that I even saw you.  This also, gives you an out. You can mess with me and be like, "Don't you remember I saw you last treatment?!" Of course, I'll be polite and say, "Sure, you got me those peanut butter crackers to eat. Thanks again for that!"  Yep, I'm a liar. (and really, my fav chemo snack has been, oyster crackers, dark chocolate acai blueberry (Brookside OR the ones I.B Back Fudge & Nut Hut are the best) or chocolate pecans (again, I.B. Back Fudge & Nut Hut).

ASIDE time....

First, let's note the fact, I do not care for nuts.  Oddly, during this whole chemo crap, I have actually enjoyed nuts. I LOVE peanut butter, yet despise nuts. I hate nuts in food; if you want to keep me away from your brownies or cookies, add nuts to them.  I will 100% avoid them, unless I am 100% desperate for a chocolate fix.  Yes, I do not really snack on nuts, but there is the exception for macadamia nuts from Hawaii, but I only eat them while I am in Hawaii.  OK if you go to the Big Island and bring me back a Donkey Ball, I'll eat that.  During chemo, I have enjoyed nice soy and wasabi almonds and chocolate covered pecans.  But, typically I am NOT a nut person.   I totally tried to stock up at Festival of Lights on the I.B.Back Fudge & Nut Hut chocolate covered pecans (a nut exception).  On a whim I grabbed a bag of the Dark Chocolate Aqui and Blueberries -- those are freaking awesome.  The sad note, The Fudge and Nut Hut is closed until SummerFair.  A total bummer. This is kind of a dumb aside, but at least I did get to type the words "Donkey Balls"- and that is fun for everyone. If you ever find yourself on the Big Island, I suggest Keoki's Surfin Ass for the best Donkey Balls.

Back to stupid chemo stuff, but I'd rather be typing more about Hawaii. ANYWAY...

The day after chemo, I had to go back in for my Nuelasta shot  That guy and I have a serious love/hate going on.  With the first few treatments, it caused a lot of hip and leg pain.  This time, it has caused sternal pain (i.e. breast bone).  I have to say, at first I pondered if I was having angina or a heart attack.  I would walk up stairs and feel a serious tightness across my chest, the proverbial elephant on my chest feeling.  Being an asthmatic, I can tell you, it was NOT asthma tightness, but different.  I am so very concerned that chemo will adversely affect my heart.  It is a known side effect of one of the drugs I take.  I cannot fathom if chemo causes me long term heart damage, that will definitely cause an issue with running, and will totally piss me off.  You can imagine, I am watching this very closely.  I will give cancer my boobs, and chemo can temporary have my hair and my waistline, but none of this shit better mess with me long term.  To quote an internet gem, "Ain't nobody got time for that." Today, I'm that nobody.

I have realized the that almost over-hydrating and getting supplemental fluids really helps..  This round, I went in for fluids on the day after chemo, 5 days after chemo (If you have ever watched Spongebob, I felt like a dehydrated Spongebob- i.e. kitchen sponge), and on Day 8 post chemo.  I do believe these extra bolus boosts of fluids (and a bag of pepcid) really help me get over the hump.  I had no idea I could ask for a does of pepcid. Chemo has caused me massive amounts of heartburn so, that dose of pepcid was awesome.

Me getting fluids! Notice I wear the same type of top to every chemo and fluid refill?!

The stupid thing is, I am finally figuring out how to help my body deal with chemo.  By the time I get my correct recipe, it will be over (Thank Goodness!!).  With my last two, I hope to make them as nice as I can to myself.

The thing that keeps sticking with me, which is totally dumb, is I cannot stand how much weight I have gained.  I can lie and blame it all on the steroids.  But, there MAY BE some ice cream involved. I have craved more sweets, than ever before.  I really am trying to keep active, obviously, I'm failing as the scale creeps up and the running/walking miles decrease.  Two sweet doctors have helped me blame the steriods on the weight gain.  One even said I looked Steroid Fluffy, not fat.  You have no idea how nice that sounded, LOL!  The emotional side of experiencing chemo, early menopause (yep that too), and watching the scale climb is hard.  I know my metabolism is completely messed up, heck my whole body is.  Again, I know this.  The science makes sense on why it is occurring; but it still pisses me off.  Then add in my glasses, since chemo has made my eyes so dry it is near impossible to wear them.  I feel like I'm going through a absurd version of puberty again. Oh and my head is breaking out from may hair regrowth. So, I have zits.  Total puberty #2--maybe if Jeff is lucky, I might even get boy crazy :)

On the complete flip side.  The kindness and generosity of all my friends and family is awesome.  If you have sent me a card, a note, a package, donated to the 'keep Kim's house clean' fund, cooked us a meal, prayed for me, sent me a positive thought, watched Connor and Calsita, or just thought of me-- I thank you from the very bottom of my heart (the ADHD part of cancer/chemo has me very behind on thank you notes, I am trying my best!!!). Everything-- just makes me feel so loved and supported.  I am so very blessed to have such a supportive circle of friends and family around me.  That makes my day to day dealing with all this cancer/chemo BS that much easier.

Heather's Dad said it best that "Cancer builds a community."  I am thankful for all of you who are part of my community, and part of my journey.  I'm not sure what I would do without you all.

Chemo #5 -- Jan 21st. Two more chemos left (then 6 more Herceptin treatments, which the people say are no big deal), and 8 more days of feeling AWESOME!!!!

Happy New Year from us!  

These three are the reasons I fight this fight and I write all this.  

Connor and CC, I hope this battle of mine is is blip in your memories. 

I further hope, by the time you are 40, science will have found a cure for all cancers. 

And I hope I look awesome at the age of 63 :)