Winners and Learners, never Losers

Another CJ related post.  I know the poor second child is getting the shaft.  But, not really, her day will come.

Let's review. CJ is wrestling.  I have now seen two more meets since my last entry.  I feel less and less like I am pitting my kid up against another kid in a cage match.  However, the tournament a couple weeks ago, I was ready to see some Dads start throwing their money down on the mat to select their winner.  It was intense, and felt very icky.

Poor Jeff got the flu on my birthday, so he missed a match.  I was hoping that CJ would have his confidence from his last win, and be ready to go.  I helped introduce him to other littlr kids he would be wrestling.  I was trying to develop a little familiarity amongst the kids. Heck we've seen the same ones each meet, might as well introduce them and make friends.  Everything is more fun with friends. 

So, CJ met Little Guy. They hit it off. CJ relaxed a little to wrestle him.  CJ pinned the kid in the first round. The child's mother was FURIOUS.  Yanked this little 5 year old off the mat, and began to use words I would never tell my 5 year old. NEVER. I felt horrible for the Little Guy. 

A few minutes later, CJ went up to Little Guy to chat again, since they were so friendly.  The LIittle Guy gave CJ the cold shoulder and literally turned his back on CJ.  I was dumbfounded. CJ was in tears; he did not understand what he did wrong.  I explained he did not do anything wrong; Little Guy was just mad.  However, I overhead the Mom tell the Little Guy he should not have lost to CJ and other hurtful things.  Of course Little Guy blamed CJ for getting that verbal assault and making his Mommy mad at him.

By the end of that tournament, CJ placed first.  It was so exciting. But, the image of that Mom yanking Little Guy, haunted me.  I hoped it was an isolated incident, or something else triggered it.  But, wow. When Little Guy lost his another match, finishing fourth, his mother again snatched him up, telling him to "toughen up" and "stop crying like a baby." He is 5. FIVE. My heart hurt for that little guy -- call me a softy.

Of course, I told a few people about all this, and how I was shocked at the response the Mom had. I know there are crazy competitive sport parents out there, but this was over the top.  Not at all appropriate.

Yesterday, CJ had another meet. Much to my chagrin, his first match was against Little Guy.  The cutest thing, when CJ went to the mat, Little Guy smiled and waved at CJ to join his group of friends.  THAT is what my goal was for introducing them.  I hoped things were ok now.

CJ had a rough morning, very emotional. He gets very nervous.  When his match came up, he cried, and cried, tried to wrestle, then walked off the mat exclaiming he had to go potty NOW.  The ref was confused, Little Guy's Mom was pushing for a forfeit (score was 1 to 0 - favored Little Guy), and I was just stuck.  Luckily, another parent whose son was up to wrestle next (same team as Little Guy), stated the obvious, "He's five let him go to the potty!"  Her son also had to potty, and was scheduled to wrestle right after CJ. Reluctantly, Little Man's mom agreed. So, we all went potty.  I thanked the Mom for being the voice of reason.  For some reason, I was too wrapped up in the moment to think properly. I was just thinking it was nervous potty, not that he really had to go.  I was wrong.

We went back on the mat.  CJ and Little Guy wrestled all 3 rounds, and CJ won by a point.  CJ walked off the mat towards my hug, while Little Guy's Mom YANKED him from the mat.  Everyone saw it, not just me. Everyone agreed it was definitely not a "normal" reaction to your son wrestling his heart out for 3 rounds. It's not like did not try, or gave up. Those two wrestled the entire 3 minutes. I know I should never question someone else's parenting, or judge it. However, as an observer, this was over the line.

Again, that Little Guy refused to talk to CJ the rest of the meet.

I mentioned CJ's anxiety.  I do my best to calm him down and get him to focus on the task at hand.  He has a tough time controlling his nervousness before stepping on the mat.  I ended up staying at the mat with him the entire day. I knew I should have left, but I felt less like CJ wanted me there, as much as he needed me there. To help him calm and focus. Jeff tried the old "Buck up and go do it."  That does not work for CJ. I knew it came from a good place from Jeff of doing the "tough love."  Maybe I baby CJ a bit, but I felt this strong need to stay there for him.  So, I did. I sat by the mat, talking with CJ and periodically showing my plumbers crack to the rest of the stand behind me. Note to self -- BELT, wear a BELT.

I wanted to tell CJ to "buck up stay here by yourself. I do not need to be here."  But, I couldn't. I don't know how it looked or what other people thought, but I did not care. I was being there and being 100% present for CJ. Apparently, that was what he needed.

His second match he was reluctant to step on the mat.  Again, tears stung his eyes as his self-confidence waned. I tried to explain to him pre-match that he already has wrestled this kid and they had a good match.  CJ was scared. But, got the courage up to be brave and wrestle. He wrestled, pinned the child within the first 30 seconds. While still having those tears in his eyes.  He did smile when his arm was raised in victory.

I tried to return to the stands, CJ was having NONE of that. We watched Little Guy wrestle and win (thank God).  Little Guy was then up to wrestle the kid who also had to go potty. The child of the nice Mom who used LOGIC that sometimes 5 year olds need to potty! Potty kid won. Little Guy was pinned in the first round. Again Little Guy's Mom went ballistic. It was shocking, not just to me, but to anyone who observed the exchange. 

CJ approached the mat for his last match.  He was confident, and ready. No tears, no hesitation.  I wish I knew how to help him do that every time.  He wrestled his heart out and won his last match!  3 and 0! First place finish!  He received a lovely trophy and his smile says it all...

 

He has one last tournament this weekend. I just hope he can find his confidence to be brave and not let his anxiety get the best of him.  Here's hoping...

There are no losers in wrestling, just winners and learners. – Unknown

Don't Back Up, Don't Back Down

* A Note on the Title- "Don't Back Up, Don't Back Down is what CJ calls Jason Aldean's song "The Only Way I Know." That one ranks up with his other favorite song, "Jacked Up Truck." :)

 

Yesterday was an odd day.

CJ decided to try the sport of wrestling; truth be told, CJ’s parents signed him up for wrestling.  I knew it would be a good sport to keep him occupied in the winter months.  Wrestling would be something new for us all to try and experience.

I knew it would be a physically and mentally demanding sport.  Wrestling, like gymnastics, is not just a physical game of who is stronger, but a mental game.  I hope that CJ learns greater self-confidence, to believe in himself and his abilities, and to have fun. That is a lot to ask for a 5 year old.  To have the confidence to simply step on that mat, alone, is a huge task. 

His first match, the opposing child was maybe a little taller, but not necessarily bigger. It was a good even match up.  As it began, instantly I felt something off.  I felt like I was watching two kids in a pit match.  A primal, physical fight for the win, while all us adults looked on and cheered.  It felt off to me, like how it may have been to cheer the fighters on in the Coliseum.  I’m still trying to make sense of that feeling I had.  I think it is because of the one on one nature of this sport.  There can only be one victor, and he (or she) can only win, alone.  No team to help here.

CJ Match 1

I am essentially a pacifist.  But, I do enjoy a good MMA match.  However, when it’s my son out there and other people are cheering for his opponent to “Stretch” him or “shoot” him. It felt wrong.  When my son came up crying, due to a move the other child did, it was hard.  Tears are ok, physical pain can go away, but it was the mental anguish I did not expect.

CJ Match 1

 

Hearing my son say, “I can’t do this” was hard.  Seeing chinks out of my son’s mental armor was difficult.  I have never seen him so crushed with self-doubt. Never. 

It was not even like CJ wrestled poorly, he was just out wrestled.  Trying to get him back out there was hard.  He wanted to leave, to stop; the tears flowed like a river.  Two choices, give the old “toughen up speech” or validate him.  Yes, CJ, that move hurt, but you are OK.  You are a good wrestler, you can do this.  He looked at me in his tear filled eyes and said, “No mama, I can’t do it.”  My heart began to crumble.  He is a good athlete, but without self-confidence, you will never succeed.  Luckily, I kept up my annoying, “You can do this. Stay on your feet, stay off your back and you will succeed.”  I used all my self-talk tips that I learned during my years in gymnastics.

He was on deck, the butterflies were getting the best of him, “My tummy hurts,” he said.  “I know, Connor, that means you are nervous to go back out.  But you can do this.  You are brave and strong and a good friend.  You are a great person and YOU can do this.” 

“Mama, I am not brave. Can we go home?" 

I had the choice to let him leave or force him out of his safe comfort zone and finish his meet. I was brought up to finish what you start, and this was no exception.  I forced him back on the mat, as he wiped tears from his eyes.  I ran up to the stands and cheered my heart out for him. He looked up at me several times as I kept cheering him on. 

CJ did great, won the match with a pin, and the other little boy left crying.  My heart went out to that little guy, especially when his tough as nails Mom grabbed him and instructed him to “Stop crying right now” through clenched teeth. 

 It’s tough to ask a five year old to “man up.” Let him be five, let him cry; sadness, and fear are real feelings.  I validated CJ’s feelings.  That move DID hurt, it was scary.  But, it’s OK, these things happen.  Then, it’s my job as his parent is to try to teach him how overcome the fear and sadness.

After winning that second match, I thought Connor’s confidence would boost.  I was wrong; still his little head was filled with self-doubt.  Again, I gave the “You are brave for even stepping on the mat alone.  You are a good person, and a good friend.  You can do this next match.  Stay on your feet and off your back.  You can do this.  You just did it last match.”

Self-confidence, CJ, you are learning self-confidence when you are outside of your comfort zone.

He went up for his final match, again, wiping tears as he stepped on the mat.  My heart, I just wanted him to feel like the confident little boy I know him to be.

CJ Match 3

Again, he won the match.  Again, I cheered my heart out.  Again, the other little boy cried. I felt bad that Connor’s take downs resulted in tears.  But, my Mom was quick to add, no Mom came up to me when her son made my son cry.  She was right; it is part of sport, even if it’s the yucky side of sport.

CJ finished the meet, placing in second place.  He received his medal and was all smiles.

Wresting is a demanding sport.  I hope CJ decides to complete in another meet. I hope he did gain some confidence.  I do hope he learns to lose and win gracefully.  As for me, I am sure wrestling will teach me more lessons as well.  That, I did not expect.