Weeds

My front garden is atrocious.  Some would call it an abomination.  It's horrible and nowhere near the standards of a garden in the middle of a hood in the burbs.

We have become "that house" this summer with the unkempt garden.  Think I'm kidding? Here is photo documentation....

They are tall, thick and really need to be eliminated from this area.  Yet, they live.

While some (or many) see it as an eye sore, to me it's more. It's the reminder that I spend my summer doing more important things than weeding my front garden. [Aside: Our Back Veggie garden was very well tended this summer.  My veggies and herbs ARE a priority.]

My goal was to spend as much time with the kids, Jeff and family as I could; and I did.  Looking at the pictures, I see Zoo trips, nights swimming at Coney, grilling out with family, impromptu family dinners, visiting friends, Baseball Games, Cheerleading, camping, Chicago, Reds Games, concerts, adventures, pulling out carpeting, helping others....

The list goes on and on.

Weeding this garden was not on my list.  In fact, I think it was the last thing on my list.

I have learned a few life lessons the past year.  I'm not sure if these will stick with me forever (I hope so), or evolve into something else. The first thing I think Jeff and I learned is, we can say "No." As stupid as it sounds, it is difficult to use that word.  Cancer treatment has given me the nerve to say, "No."  Or as lovely Yoga Irena tells me, "If it doesn't serve you, don't do it."  There you go.  I said No to weeding.

Another thing, walking around with a bald head, and looking physically sick, I really learned:
1. Vanity is a choice.
2. I do not care if how I look makes you scrunch up your nose in disgust.

Cancer, pretty well took the last vain bone in my body.  Walking around bald, with glasses, bloated, without make-up (there was not enough make-up to camouflage what was going on) was my norm; it was me.  What was important, to me, as taking care of my skin.  So I did. I invested in me and started using a few R+F products.  I think that even helped me feel even MORE confident to walk around in my chemo state.  Now, 6 months after my last chemo (2 herceptins lefts still), I will walk out of the house without make-up, in my new afro hair-- and I really don't care.  I'm alive and my hair is growing (thick and crazy-- but growing).  I just do not have the urge to be vain, any more.

One of my major lessons, that just finally dawned on me this month is, "I'm tired of waiting."  Cancer sure as hell did not wait for a convenient time to pop into my life.  It made my world screech to a halt.  Everything turned on it's head, and I was numb. I had to wait for surgery, then wait for chemo, waiting for my hair to grow, waiting for my chemo weight to leave..... Damn it, I am sick and tired of waiting.  If I want to do or try something, I will -- and in pretty short time.  On a whim, two days before Connor's birthday, asked Jeff if we could go camping.  Two days later Jeff, the kids, the dogs and I had a great night of camping and fishing.  I have now camped twice in 41 years.  I am pretty sure we will do that again.  We did a trip to Chicago-- we always talked about going--- but we WENT; we did it.  So, maybe it's follow through I learned?  Less talk and more action?  Yes, I like that.

All in all, I am just ready to live and I want to try to enjoy every moment.  I am carving more time for me, and giving myself permission to do more for me without the guilt.  Like many Mom's, I focus on my family and I am a distant last.  Now, I am holding us all on the same plane.  I am not last; I have got to take care of me as well as them.

Living to me, is not pulling weeds.  Those weeds are a physical reminder, that I have been living, and I have been enjoying every minute.