** This is likely to be profanity ridden, raw and not lady like. I will most likely need to attend confession after writing all this words. There is my disclaimer...*
I absolutely despise treatment days. I want to really type I fucking hate treatment days. But, as I tell the kids, "Profanity makes you sound dumb, not smart. Get a thesaurus and find a better descriptive word." Then, Connor and CC look at me, perplexed and flabbergasted, as they have no clue what a thesaurus is. Like all of us did when we were 7 and 8, I think they think a thesaurus is a dinosaur.
Still even this is the "easy" herceptin, it still sucks. Lucifer the port has been a bigger jerkface the past two visits. Luckily, today Lucy cooperated and is currently passing herceptin into my body.
Like every visit I usually see the Doc or the PA before my infusion. Today was Dr. Cody. The visit began with cordial general chatting...Then I got felt up (well I did pay a $40 co-pay, so I did expect a some action for my $$). Funny thing, I still cannot feel much on my chest. So, while I know what he was doing, I felt nothing. Something every man wants to her from a woman, am I right?!
Anyway, I lamented how excited I am to get done with the herceptin treatments and how I am ready for my tumor marker test to get the "all clear." Then the bomb dropped. Can't lie, I know this stuff, I just never like to hear it, or worry about it. His words essentially stated I will never have an all clear. For the next 20 years my chance of recurrence is likely. Luckily, my cancer cells are nice and have lots of treatment options. But, the thought of having this dark shadow following for the rest of my (HOPEFULLY LONG) life sucks ass. Sitting here typing this reality just tears me up. This sucks. I'm forty-one-- in twenty years, I'm sixty-one, still too young to retire. Now I hear it's very plausible that I will have to go through all this tomfoolery, again. Fuck you cancer, I simply don't have time for you to intrude on my life again.
It's another gut check moment of, what do I want to do with my life? Where to I want to be? Who do I want to be with. Jeff and I, like many couples, have pipe dreams. The reality of my health, is making us re-evaluate our pipe dreams to turn them into a reality. We owe it to us. I now see how fragile health can be, and how a vast majority of us take it for granted. We assume we will always be healthy. We assume bad shit will only go down when we are old. We will be a worn out, wrinkled shell of ourselves, taking our last breath, surrounded by our grown up kids and grandchildren. If this happens to you or me, we are lucky as hell.
Staring at your own mortality is the most frightening soul searching you can do. This Cancer journey has changed me. My family, my immediate family, is my number one concern. I can see how I will fiercely protect this bond, and us four will come first. I really have made changes in my life and really have said, "Nope I can't do that I need to go help CC with reading and bedtime." At 41, I am done over extending myself to do pointless shit that people can do for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm a helper, but (in some cases), I feel my kindness has been taken advantage. No longer. Sorry- but not sorry.
I guess that is a gift Cancer has left me. To protect my family time and see our dreams through. One of our dreams -- for the four of us -- is to live in a coastal area.
[Funny aside here, I accidentally mis-typed coastal, and it auto corrected as coital--- NOPE, not the right word, we are NOT moving to a coital area!!!].
The new place must be no more than 30 minutes from a beach, have a pool, have a great local school and reside in an area to give the kids a permanent residency for a decent SEC school. I am lucky we have sometime to set things up for this. This move will not be next week, but we are researching. While researching I am now looking at my house with new eyes of thinking, what renovations do we need to do to sell and get the best bang for our buck. Jeff and I are ready, heck the kids are ready.... But, before this can happen...
I've got to finish these treatments.
So, ONE MORE herceptin left. ONE.
What after that???
We wait...we pray.... then in three months, we have my tumor markers checked. This every three month thing will eventually turn into every six months. All I can do then is pray, be healthy, and pray some scientist can help end all cancers.
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