It was a rainy, cool evening; perfect for a Zoo trip without too many people. We were able to participate in a member event. The children were able to pet an armadillo (which has long hair- I had no idea), Bull Snake named Bertha, Periwinkle the Skink (or I think she is a skink?), and some cute little pigs. We had a bunch of fun. True to ourselves, we acted like crazy idiots, enjoying our company, our silliness and just enjoying our Zoo at night. Holiday nights are when I feel it. I can almost feel something tangible, like the Universe gently reminding me of blessings; my little miracles.
Christmas was always the time I prayed hardest, and questioned the most. PLEASE bless us with a family of our own; then my next thought went to "Why is such-and-such expecting and not me?" You'd think, almost 5 years after my last IVF, those feeling would fade. They have, but somehow to acknowledge my blessings, these old wounds come to surface to remind me that the infertility fight is not over. Then, the tears start.
So, there, at our Zoo, a little wetness fell on my eyes. No one noticed, thankfully. But, and overwhelming feeling of gratitude just consumed me as I walked up the steep hill by our Bear Grotto. That feeling of knowing you are so blessed, and just no words describe the feeling. Knowing how empty and lost Jeff and I both felt for so many Christmases, and now trying to decide which Mass do we take the kids to on Christmas Eve? We are now a family. Anyone who looks at us, does not know our story, to them, we are just another set of parents yelling at their son to, "get back here with your family." Many rooms learn Connor's name quickly.
Connor and Calista both wanted to see Santa. We all waited in line. As we got closer, Jeff asked me if I wanted to sit on Santa's lap with him. My initial response, without even thinking was, "no." A Milli-second later I had this revelation of, "How many wives out there are waiting for their husband to be fun loving and ask them to sit on Santa's lap?" My reply, immediately changed to, "I mean, YES! Thanks for asking!" Here is our picture. Please remember we are a little water logged and some of us had colds.
Seriously, how awesome is that for Jeff to ask me such a simple thing. It brought me back to our first years dating. I used to drag him to the Mall Santa for a picture. I know my Mom still has one that hangs on her Christmas tree. Nothing like trying to re-create that photo 20 years later. My husband is awesome. I don't tell him that enough. I'm too focused on bitching about dirty dishes, or laundry needing folded, or how his child has acted like the spawn of Satan. I forget to remember the little things, the happy things. The moment of him doing something sweet for me, like making my coffee in the morning. He doesn't even DRINK the stuff, but loves me enough to make my coffee. I hope my children are able to find them a perfect partner, who will stand by them for the fun stuff, the silly stuff, and the hard stuff. Jeff is all I could ask for in a husband/best friend. After our visit with Santa, Calista decided we should ride the train. Mid-train ride, surrounded by my kids, my husband and thousands of twinkle lights, the magic of the moment hit me. Again, I was overcome with that blessed feeling. As some tears fell, my beloved husband looked quizzically at me (as always), then asked, "Why are you so emotional?" (He asked another question, but, we'll skip that one...).
I just told him I felt just blessed and a little guilty that our prayers were answered two fold, and there are still so many couples that filled our infertility shoes. It sucks for them. I hope they are gentle with each other this holiday season and that their prayers are answered.
But, as I stood with Connor and Calista, watching the light show over our Zoo's pond, I said a little prayer and thanked God for letting me be a Mom. Christmas and twinkle lights just brings out the sappy side of me.
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